Comments on: Lindsay Who? http://www.celebritysmackblog.com/2007/08/02/lindsay-who/ Celebrity Gossip, Pictures and Entertainment News Updated Daily! Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:00:06 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 hourly 1 By: ShameOnMe http://www.celebritysmackblog.com/2007/08/02/lindsay-who/comment-page-1/#comment-2721 ShameOnMe Thu, 02 Aug 2007 13:29:54 +0000 http://www.celebritysmackblog.com/2007/08/02/lindsay-who/#comment-2721 There never was a thing.. it was a slutty Addict/Codependent Pattern http://healthymind.com/s-relationships.html Person Desires Attracted to Behaviors Process of person's relationships Sex addict Validation Erotic highs/ distraction One magical sexual attachment that will heal all wounds Fears: Boredom/ emptiness Shame/intimacy Going out of control “Hot” people Fantasy: others for validation Stable others who will care for them Impersonal sex Seeking instant validation with “perfect” others who are then found to be imperfect, resulting in serial, non-intimate relationships Involvement in relationships with codependents, resulting in acting out beyond the relationship Hits bottom with sex and starts recovery amidst great pain Turns to romantic validation from others or renews codependent relationship--in either case without adequately addressing intimacy or self-esteem issues. (More avoidant individual joins group but stays on fringes.) Strategy fails, relapse occurs, hitting more intense bottom. Recovery renews--more slowly this time--with more attention to self validation, non-sexual intimacy, and tolerating feelings of aloneness and emptiness. Codependent Validation through being needed, rescuing Secure relationship Fears: Abandonment Vulnerability Individuals who need parenting (addicted or dysfunctional and in need of rescuing, like codependents parents were) Rescuing people in crisis Remaining in relationship even when clearly unsatisfactory Trying to control addict's behavior--yet sometimes enabling the addict to stay addicted May want to “possess” addict Become frustrated when addict's behavior is more extreme than they want, but stay because afraid to leave If addict recovers, codependent may move on to new addict where their rescuing skills are needed and appreciated. "Love Addict"/Avoidant Pattern* Person Desires Attracted to Behaviors Process of person's relationships Love addict Security, safety acceptance, “oneness” (merger) Fears: Greatest fear is abandonment Underlying fear is healthy intimacy (in enmeshment the core of the person is actually sealed off) Self-contained individuals who appear strong, stable (often avoidant or obsessive compulsive, like their families of origin) Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling Idealizing partner Obsessing about partner Talking obsessively to others about him or her Acting out anger and revenge for being abandoned Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual Gets high from fantasy Denies how walled in avoidant really is Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex Partner capitulates and renews relationship, or love addict moves on to new relationship Sense of self and self esteem does not develop--love addict remains in dependent position. Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur Avoidant person Wants to be connected, but not closely Fears: Greatest fear is intimacy/engulfment Can have a hard time rejecting others or saying no Individuals who provide much of the enthusiasm and intimacy for both of them Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can't say no May show initial traditional romantic pursuing, but ultimately enters relationship because love addict provides most of the “intimate energy”; may fear would never make into a relationship otherwise As love addict wants more and more attention avoidant attempts to please by giving it to them--at least initially Eventually avoidant becomes overwhelmed by enmeshment and/or neediness of love addict, becomes critical, and eventually backs off from relationship or abandons it Feels relationship has failed, sometimes gets involved with addictive behavior or affairs to distance, distract, or numb out May return to relationship out of guilt or fear of being totally alone, or moves on to connect with another partner Cycle of abandoning and returning can go on and on, especially if love addict starts to move on *Much of this pattern of relating has been described by Pia Mellody in her 1992 book "Facing Love Addiction." It may be ordered by clicking the title of the book on this page. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- David C. Bissette, Psy.D. Alexandria, VA 703-705-6161 © 2004 David C. Bissette, Psy.D. There never was a thing.. it was a slutty Addict/Codependent Pattern
http://healthymind.com/s-relationships.html

Person Desires Attracted to Behaviors Process of person’s relationships

Sex addict Validation

Erotic highs/ distraction

One magical sexual attachment that will heal all wounds

Fears:

Boredom/ emptiness

Shame/intimacy

Going out of control
“Hot” people

Fantasy: others for validation

Stable others who will care for them
Impersonal sex

Seeking instant validation with “perfect” others who are then found to be imperfect, resulting in serial, non-intimate relationships

Involvement in relationships with codependents, resulting in acting out beyond the relationship
Hits bottom with sex and starts recovery amidst great pain

Turns to romantic validation from others or renews codependent relationship–in either case without adequately addressing intimacy or self-esteem issues. (More avoidant individual joins group but stays on fringes.)

Strategy fails, relapse occurs, hitting more intense bottom. Recovery renews–more slowly this time–with more attention to self validation, non-sexual intimacy, and tolerating feelings of aloneness and emptiness.

Codependent Validation through being needed, rescuing

Secure relationship

Fears:

Abandonment

Vulnerability
Individuals who need parenting (addicted or dysfunctional and in need of rescuing, like codependents parents were)
Rescuing people in crisis

Remaining in relationship even when clearly unsatisfactory

Trying to control addict’s behavior–yet sometimes enabling the addict to stay addicted
May want to “possess” addict

Become frustrated when addict’s behavior is more extreme than they want, but stay because afraid to leave

If addict recovers, codependent may move on to new addict where their rescuing skills are needed and appreciated.

“Love Addict”/Avoidant Pattern*

Person Desires Attracted to Behaviors Process of person’s relationships

Love addict Security, safety acceptance, “oneness” (merger)

Fears:

Greatest fear is abandonment

Underlying fear is healthy intimacy (in enmeshment the core of the person is actually sealed off)
Self-contained individuals who appear strong, stable (often avoidant or obsessive compulsive, like their families of origin)
Line up next relationship before leaving current one–forming love triangles

Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling

Idealizing partner

Obsessing about partner

Talking obsessively to others about him or her

Acting out anger and revenge for being abandoned
Enters relationship in haze of fantasy–found this stable, strong, accepting individual

Gets high from fantasy

Denies how walled in avoidant really is

Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way

Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex

Partner capitulates and renews relationship, or love addict moves on to new relationship

Sense of self and self esteem does not develop–love addict remains in dependent position. Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur

Avoidant person Wants to be connected, but not closely

Fears:

Greatest fear is intimacy/engulfment

Can have a hard time rejecting others or saying no
Individuals who provide much of the enthusiasm and intimacy for both of them
Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can’t say no
May show initial traditional romantic pursuing, but ultimately enters relationship because love addict provides most of the “intimate energy”; may fear would never make into a relationship otherwise

As love addict wants more and more attention avoidant attempts to please by giving it to them–at least initially

Eventually avoidant becomes overwhelmed by enmeshment and/or neediness of love addict, becomes critical, and eventually backs off from relationship or abandons it

Feels relationship has failed, sometimes gets involved with addictive behavior or affairs to distance, distract, or numb out

May return to relationship out of guilt or fear of being totally alone, or moves on to connect with another partner

Cycle of abandoning and returning can go on and on, especially if love addict starts to move on

*Much of this pattern of relating has been described by Pia Mellody in her 1992 book “Facing Love Addiction.” It may be ordered by clicking the title of the book on this page.

——————————————————————————–

David C. Bissette, Psy.D. Alexandria, VA 703-705-6161

© 2004 David C. Bissette, Psy.D.

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