Snark Attack!

What’s up, my friends? Shark here with the Snark Attack!, my weekly round-up of most of the postings here on Celebrity Smack.

I say MOST OF, because I really don’t have much to say about something like Sex & The City because I’m straight (although I’m still waiting for naked pics of Kim Cattrall from any time period). Nothing against S&TC, I’m just flatlined on it. You’ll still hear from me on the blog whenever I have something to say, but Spicy gave me the chance to spew forth in my own forum, so here it goes.

BTW, I’ll probably throw in some bits & pieces of things I’ve noticed in the news or around my part of the ocean. I give credit where credit is due, but I will shred the f*ck out of whoever deserves it.

First off is the David Copperfield rape accusation.
Now, I’m no fan of the guy, but I smell a shakedown by an obsessed fan who wants her time in the spotlight. We’ll see one way one the other if anything did happen, but I can already hear the stupid comments about him making his ‘magic wand’ disappear inside of her, etc. Let’s work on some original shit, dittoheads. And I don’t mean Beth Ditto-heads either, although she is a good singer. Just wouldn’t bang her. I’m not a fan of the whole ‘pick-a-fold-and-f**k-it’ mentality.
Tara Reid has the whole peach-fuzz thing going on, which is fine as long as she doesn’t start sporting a moustache. That’s a deal-breaker like a sledgehammer. So are monster tit implants. Keep ‘em nice + pretty, because big tits aren’t really that feminine, and the chicks that sport them look like cartoon characters. Pam Anderson had the WRONG idea. And yeah, she is tweeked out. Where are her boys in all of this? Like K-Fed, Tommy Lee may look like a joker, but at least he gives a shit about the kids.
Suri is a cute little bunny, but I think the paps are going too far when they gang up on celeb parents and scream out the kids’ names. What a bunch of douchebags. May Britney and Lindsay run them all over.
I’ll say it again; for all the BS that went on before the Van Halen tour, I was just amazed that it even got off the ground, and things are going as good as they are. Eddie is like a kid up there, and he’s what, 52? The guy will die with his boots on. In the meantime, live long and play loud.
The fires in California rage on, and I can’t stand to look at the footage that CNN insists on looping. What’s worse, Bush goes on today for some Katrina damage control and photo-ops. Whatever he does, he’d better not piss off the Governator. On to other things before I get sick from it.
Kid Rock is the trouble magnet of the week. That scuffle with Tommy Lee didn’t seem to boost record sales, so he picks a waffle house out in Bumf*ck to have it out with some jealous boyfriend. Classy. Good mugshot, too.
Spicy, thanks for the Soundgarden vid. Matt Cameron is a monster drummer. My fave tune of theirs was ‘Jesus Christ Pose.’ Looks like they blew Guns’N’Roses the f*ck off that stage. Which wasn’t hard to do, with all Axl’s BS.
That is one f**ked-up pic of Perez Hilton. Any pic of him is f**ked up because he’s an ugly little bitch with nothing better to do than half-name himself after Paris(which makes him a full-fledged c*nt by association) and draw splooge on celeb pics. So when does mommy pick you up from kindergarten?
What was that I said about being on Team Lohan? That’s what’s a bottle of red will do to ya. And the fact that she has a cute ass. Too bad it’s been tapped like a maple tree. The real home-wrecker is Riley, who let that shit happen in the first place. I’m sure Lindz didn’t seduce him, but there is room for the benefit of the doubt. But, y’know, what goes around, comes around. I’m sure he’ll bang another chick behind Lindz’s back, because punks like that have their line in the water waiting for the next little skank-ass to bite. Like my man David Lee Roth once sang, ‘No one’s above suspicion, no one’s got it wired.’ I can’t decide what she should ditch first, the punk or the blond hair. Go back to red, bitch.
Whoever has the spotlight on J Lo, turn it OFF!! So she’s pregnant. I’m surprised she didn’t hire someone to carry the kid for her. She should call her next shitty CD ‘In Vitro’.
I’m not big on marriage. Most people get married for all the wrong reasons. I’m not the marrying type. Having said that; Marie Osmond, will you marry me? I know you’re married, but you ARE from Utah.
The 21st century odd couple. Corey Feldman minds every dust-speck while Haim can’t keep from shitting himself. Lovely.
Tom Hanks, Daryl Hannah; so who’s next to promote green driving? Hell, Bo + Luke Duke ran the General Lee on moonshine, while Daisy sat around and looked pretty. Works for me.
We need more half-naked Nicole Kidman pictorials! Full-on naked wouldn’t hurt, either. Ironic how I watched Eyes Wide Shut with the sound off.
Can we have a vote on who is more brain-dead at this point; Nick Hogan or John? I know that sounds mean-spirited, but don’t tell me your evil little minds didn’t flash on that thought for a second. C’mon, this is the Shark here, talk to me. We’re not all here because we have angels sitting on our shoulders.
OK, fine, Mariah Carey’s no trainwreck celeb, but I’m sick of her lame ass just the same. She loves the shit out of her champagne; how do you think she got all bloated out like that? Hey, Spicy, can you dig up ‘The Constipation Of Mimi’? I’m LMAO just thinking about it.
Gisele(which means ‘horse’ in Brazilian) Bundchen wins the funbag compe-TIT-ion, even though I think she’s a self-absorbed bitch with no other redeeming qualities. Score one for Leo for coming to his senses. Yeah, a few years ago I was crushing on this local girl who looked great in a white t-shirt, but ended up being a total short-circuit case. Unfortunately you can’t detach a great pair from a lame brain.
Janet Jackson’s looking great, so is Marisa Tomei. Two old crushes aging well. That’s tough to do when you’re in your late 30’s-early 40’s, because most chicks in my age group(42) are looking pretty beat + busted, but when the older hotties age better than a fine wine, you have to wonder what’s going on.
Disney is better than ever. Gay leading men, slutty little leading ladies, shitty high school movies, Disneyworld about to go up in flames… Mickey Mouse is living a lie.
John Travolta must be so proud. And inspired. Tit-jobs; strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Heidi Klum and Seal make a great package… Ahem, I meant COUPLE, but I didn’t need that visual, Heidi.
What was it, 10 years ago that Ellen Degeneres came out, and now her career is going to the dogs. Heh.