Here we go again, my pretties!

You know, this week wasn’t the feeding frenzy I was hoping for, so I’m gonna start off with one of my favorite things right now.

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Tila Tequila’s “Shot At Love” is my favorite ‘reality’ show. That’s almost a weird way to say it, because I think all the other shows kinda suck. Some of you like “I Love New York”, but I’m so turned off by that bitch that I can’t watch the commercials for the show. Not that I’m a fan of all the stupid drama on Tila’s show, and most of the contestants are douchebags, but she’s so damn hot that I’m willing to stick it out (heh) just so I can see her in hot outfits or when she’s making out with the girls.

You have to admit, the premise of the show is wild. A bi-girl trying to choose between guys and girls. VERY HOT. This week, everyone gave her a massage, and Ashley the redneck f*ck-nut went ballistic when he was booted off. Funny, but he turned into a total girl, and he still couldn‘t get any play.

Nicole Richie is definitely outclassed by Hilary Duff, in every way. When the bad girl goes after the good girl, karma adds up. Let’s see how long Joel puts up with your lame anorexic ass and ultimately leaves you hanging with the kid.

Hopefully no one will watch Dina’s stupid reality show. The only reason she’s getting on is because of the looming writer’s strike. If that strike goes forward, we’ll see a lot more shitty reality shows. Gimme fiction.

Hey Nick, too bad your deal with Polaroid didn’t ‘develop’ like you’d hoped. You are the hot potato or the racing world, and now your Dad’s gonna go bankrupt. Looks like Hulk and his spend-happy bimbo wife are gonna be sleeping on Brooke’s couch pretty soon, while Nick sleeps out in the fucking doghouse with all the other pets in the Hogan zoo. Funny, but Nick is probably on the shortest leash there. If it were up to me, Nick would be in Michael Vick’s doghouse.

Does Playboy sell mags anymore? I stopped buying mags ever since I got a faster modem, and that was 9 years ago. Why do you think they call it a hard drive?

I won’t even look at Perez’s site just to see what all the fuss is about. Y’all know what I think of the little scumbag.

Yeah, Madonna is looking beat to shit these days. Further proof that looks get old.

Man, I would’ve never guessed that K-Fed would be Dad Of The Year. Think about it. When was the last time we saw him out + about? The glare of the spotlight brought out the worst in his ex, so maybe he came to his senses. Time will tell.

I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda sick of Amy Winehouse by now. If anyone acts surprised if she O.D.’s, they’re stupid.

Normally I’d say that Marisa needs more than a Band-Aid to patch up the hole in her career(which would be pretty damn funny), but I’m whipped. I still love her. Go ahead, call me pathetic; I don’t care. It’s my world, and you just live in it.

The last time Avril was relevant was when the whole Britney vs. Christina flap was going on. And Christina was the odds-on favorite for Hollywood train-wreck.

Tommy probably dropped the charges because he doesn’t ever want to see the inside of a courthouse again.

If spray tanning is Lindsay’s only vice now, I’ll let it slide, even though it looks like shit. I bet that’s not the only thing that gets sprayed on her. Heh.

Danny, WTF?! And no, I didn’t see the full pic. That would be patronizing Perez, who is probably beating off to it… Wait a sec. That would imply that Perez has a dick. Never mind.

You think that Brit’s the only girl in the world that fantasized about screwing a priest in the confessional? The Penthouse Forum archives are full of that shit. Unfortunately the priest wasn’t aroused because she wasn’t man enough.

Girl Power has now morphed into Cat Fight, and I’m sure Ginger + Scary are gonna have to work opposite ends of the stage to avoid killing each other. Jimmy Carter is presiding over the peace negotiations.

Seeing Owen + Kate get back together would be cute, but there’s only so much blond-on-blond action I can take.

It looks like Jason Davis is on the protein shake diet. Hey Gummi Bear, wipe the chin.

Rumer, you might want to work a little harder on that whole ‘presenting yourself’ angle.

Lane, welcome to the DUI brotherhood. You’re about to meet a whole bunch of other brotherhoods. Sleep tight.

Nice going, Dog. You beat that whole stupid-ass Mexican extradition charge, only to bury yourself with this. Backpedaling didn’t help Michael Richards, and it won’t help you.

Between Kate, Petra and Heidi, I need a moment. And a cigarette.

Hope everyone had an evil little Halloween. I had to work. Even Sharks have to pay the bills.

Shark does Celebrity Smack’s weekly round-up every Saturday! Bringing sarcasm and a man’s point of view!