Lock + load, baby, you know what time it is! I’m cutting straight to my favorite story of the week, because I’m just in one of those moods.

Nick Hogan is facing criminal charges related to his car accident. Yeah, motherf**ker! Whoever the prosecutor is in the case, I hope you don’t take a plea bargain, just because I want to see him sweat like the bitch he is. BTW, I hope Hulk doesn’t get a dime of insurance money for the Supra.

Dog is black. Did I miss something here? Did K-Fed give up the soul-brother crown? Hey, Dog, why don’t you go to the hood and see just how white you turned out? Or better yet, circle up with your team and ask Jesus what he thinks.

Marilyn Manson is totally over with. Too bad he still has a devoted core audience. A Manson concert is a surefire way to tell who the junkies, crackheads and meth-heads are in any given city.

Pete, Pete, Pete. You’re killing me. I take that back. You’re killing yourself, very very slowly. BTW, give my love to the cats.

I’ll say it again, loud + clear; BOYCOTT PRINCE!!! What a total asshole he turned out to be. Does anyone buy his records anymore, anyway? He hasn’t done anything worth a shit since Purple Rain. To paraphrase Dennis Miller, Prince’s head is so far up his ass, they’ll need to cut in switchback trails just to get to it.

Mandy is the new Brooke Shields of the dating world, ping-ponging from DJ’s to tennis players to Matt Perry, all while saving herself for the big day. As cute as she is, I think she’s just gonna stay a virgin for a good long time. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I just don’t understand how anyone can go without sex without going crazy.

I won’t be watching Idol, simply because I think Simon is one of the biggest assholes on TV. Not to mention having of the worst haircuts out there. Besides, with the exception of Kelly Clarkson, everyone that’s gone through those doors is a case of ‘where are they now?’

I’m still pissed that Radiohead fans wouldn’t pony up a dime for the downloads. Just goes to show how much of a something-for-nothing world we live in.

Katie Holmes sure cleaned up nicely after that marathon, but Tom’s cut is creeping me out lately.

Michael Jackson on the cover of Ebony. What, Dog wasn’t available?

Christina Ricci looks like Sigourney Weaver’s kid, if her kid was on speed.

So J Lo finally admitted she was pregnant. I’m always the last to know everything. Just another way for her to keep her name in the news. Not that she’s relevant anymore, but this world has a way of taking has-beens and propping them up way past the sell-by date. If you ask me, the fridge is starting to stink and needs to be cleaned out.

I’ve looked at old + new footage of Brit, and she DEFINITELY short-circuited somewhere along the way. Whether it was drugs, kids or K-Fed, who cares? The Brit we used to know and love is gone forever.

Katie Price, a fun fearless female? Listen, there’s nothing fun about that attention whore, and there’s a difference between fearless and tactless. Funny, but she’s tacky, tactless, vacant and coldly calculating all at the same time. Who knew a bimbo like that could multi-task?

I love what Lynn Spears said about Brit loving her kids “from the pit of her soul.” Nice choice of words, Ma. It’s definitely a pit these days.

Apparently the priest thought Conan was way younger than he actually is.

Mickey’s looking great without the botox. That ain’t saying much.

As I went to press, I heard that police raided Amy Winehouse’s crack den. I wonder if they got a contact high from walking in the front door.

Didn’t think I’d have much to say this week, but there’s always someone out there that trips my fuse, and I can’t help myself. Take it from me, folks, there’s never a shortage of blood in the water. At least not for long. Can’t wait for the holiday season to see who’s gonna make a complete ass of themselves.

-Shark