You know, guys, even Sharks, can have a bad week – and this last one was my turn. I’m better now, but damn. On top of that, I still have some stupid song stuck in my head. I sure didn’t ask for that shit. I didn’t ask for ice storms either, but I got ‘em, too.

So, you would think that if I’m not in the greatest frame of mind, certain people would know better than to piss me off. Well, some people are really f***ing stupid, and I’m done giving them the benefit of the doubt. That’s why I’m handing the current queen her walking papers.

Wanna take a wild guess?

You got it, Britney. I’m lining you up just right for this one. I was gonna wait until my Year Ender to end you, but you tripped my fuse, and I just snapped.

What did we do to deserve this? BAD BRITNEY. That’s what we got in return for loving that formerly fine ass of yours for years, even before it was legal. You were the original jailbait fantasy, and no one could help it. Those yummy brown eyes, that smile, those moves, your super-sexy ways. Everything about you was so right. Now it’s come to this, ten years down the line.

A lighter? You can’t just have one of your pathetic little sycophants pony up for it? Hello Alli, what’s the matter, bitch ain’t paying you the going rate these days? $780K a month sure ain’t buying anyone any brains. I don’t even know why you need a lighter anyway, because you can light your crack pipe with the flaming pile that your career has turned out to be.

Blackout? Try FLAME-OUT. The arc of that album’s path looks like the St. Louis Arch. The only reason it went as high as it did is because the record-buying public wanted to hear the sound of your last gasp for breath. I was so rooting for you to make a slamming comeback, but you pissed that away like a firehose.

Looks like you’re running out of nightspots to piss the rest away. What happened? Did you lock yourself out of the house again? Or did you lock yourself in when the judge called you out?

Your attitude is killing me, and it only took a year for you to slide down the rabbit hole past the point of no return. (That bunny must be thinking, ‘why drag me into this shit?’ Sorry, Bunner, I’m just making a point.)

You turned the corner into complete and total apathy, and what better evidence of that than your kids? That’s a real sad story, when the former pop princess who could do no wrong is now the deadbeat Mom of the year. So Merry F***ing Christmas, Britney Spears.

In Siberia.

That’s right, you are now EXILED!!! Do you see me getting a court order for that? Hell no, this is Shark Justice. Put that in your Hazelnut Frappucino and suck it.

Scott Baio, you need to take a chill pill and mellow out. Maybe you shouldn’t be surrounding yourself with people that get you so fired up. I don’t know, maybe you want to be miserable. That seems to be the way of the world lately. No one wants to take ownership of SHIT, while bitching about their lives. Cry me a f***ing river. And your parents have been together for 53 years? You sure didn’t seem to learn their secret while it was staring you in the face all that time. You’d better start getting it, or your marriage is gonna be just another Hollywood casualty.

Speaking of which, looks like you can start filing those papers now, Eva. Maybe now Tony will get some peace and f***ing quiet.

You ever take such a big dump that it gets its own birth certificate? Or maybe a defecate certificate? Born at the same time I died? Now I’ve got a good way to land America on the moon; I’ll just light a match.

Hasselhoff falls off. Hey Comedy Central, go ahead and roast him. He’s got enough fuel to burn for weeks.

Janice Dickinson, you are in line for an exiling, right behind Nick Hogan. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to mention someone else’s name in the same sentence as yours, your highness. Somebody bitch-slap her, please. Tyra? Naomi? Foxy Brown? If nothing else, just crumple up her tiara and stuff it in her mouth.

I may have to come up with something a little less severe than the exile. Something like the hetero male equivalent of a bitch-slap, or a caning. Let me go to work on this one. When I strike gold, you guys will be the first to know.

Jessica Alba is pregnant. Did the collective heart of red-blooded mankind sink like mine did? I need a drink.

“Your Honor, the prosecution would like to add another felony charge against R Kelly; Aggravated Mindf*** for the ‘Trapped In The Closet’ series.” “Motion Granted.”

Anyone really surprised at the whole steroid issue? I’m not. It’s as American as lying politicians, gay actors in the closet and revolving doors on rehab clinics. Where’s your apple pie now, motherf***er?

Next week, I get to put on my Santa suit and give out lumps of coal to all the celeb morons and bitches. As for all the hotties, I get to stuff their stockings. Heh.

—Shark—