Shark’s X-Mas Grab-Bag

Happy holidays, bitches. Shark here, and I’ve got on my Santa suit, ready to hand out gifts to the ones I love, and for the rest of the f***ers, I didn’t forget you either. Don’t let your fingers dangle in the water.

First off, before anything, I’m really surprised that more attention hasn’t been paid to a cause that’s dear to my heart;

Can you believe that? Holy Moly. I think a need a moment or two. WOW. Eva, I would stuff your stockings, but you need to put them on first. I’m also inspired to give you a Christmas spanking, but I wonder which of us would enjoy it more.

BTW, going without fur means all the way down, honey. Heh.

There’s a long list of hotties that I would give the world, along with a backrub and a lingering kiss on the back of the neck; Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johanssen, Allesandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, Alicia Silverstone (although she doesn’t have any ‘meat’ on her bones), Jessica Biel, Fergie (f*** the haters; she’s got a slammin’ bod and a perfect ass), Megan Fox, Carmen Electra (the brunette one, not the blonde), Charlize, Elisha Cuthbert(I’ll forgive the Paris alliance for a small favor…), Hayden P, Hilary Duff (for turning into a real beauty while remaining a class act), Jessica Alba (despite getting knocked up), Kate Beckinsale, Kim Catrall (time is ticking, bitch, I need to scratch that itch), Kylie Minogue (for being a survivor AND for being hot), Mandy Moore (for being a HORNY little class act), Michelle Rodriguez (for giving new meaning to the term ‘jailbait’), Nicole Kidman (for the Vanity Fair cover), Petra Nemcova (for ditching that dumb-ass Blunt), and Rihanna (for upstaging Beyonce very nicely, and for being so damn fine).

Thanks to all of you for making me proud to be a Shark.

–Christmas Wrap-Up –

For Beyonce, I would like to give you the year off. That way, it ends up being a real gift to all of us.

To the Hogan family, here’s a case full of duct tape, so you can put your lives and careers together.

To Seal + Heidi Klum, get a room! It’s on me. Horny f***ers. All kidding aside, they are one awesome couple, and more couples should aspire to that level of love.

To Lindsay Lohan, an extended stay in Utah, along with some Hydrience #32 Hibiscus.

To Cisco Adler, a f***ing hammock to hold that shit.

To Criss Angel, a crewcut and a day or two away from Vegas.

To Dog Chapman, a 5 night stay in Harlem.

To Ellen DeGeneres, a basket full of puppies… ah, never mind.

To Farrah Fawcett, sincere wishes for a full recovery.

To Hilary Swank, a $500 gift card to In’N’Out Burger, a case of Bud, and a spliff the size of the Washington Monument. There is such a thing as too healthy.

To J. Lo., here’s hoping that you have a great new career as a Mom. You sure wore the last one out.

To Jamie Foxx, a new agent. Same with Cuba Gooding. Those Oscars are turning out to be a curse.

To Jennifer Love Hewitt, a treadmill. Start walkin’, babe.

To Michael Jackson, a one way ticket back to Dubai.

To Justin Timberlake, a challenge. Let’s tag-team the above-mentioned hotties. Last man standing wins.

To Karl Lagerfeld, a voyage back to earth.

To Kevin Federline, a legal defense fund. Whatever it takes for you to win the kids permanently.

To Mary-Kate + Ashley Olsen, a good look at the Chinese fur trade. That may just make you think twice about wearing pelts. Fur may have been necessary for survival before modern times, but now it’s just turned into the most cruel and inhumane industry on the planet. Boycott it. Yeah, let China get pissed; their trade options are shrinking, and the jobs should be here anyway.

To Owen Wilson, a home far away from Hollywood. Looks like Tinseltown’s snowstorm just sucked you right in and spit you back out. Do as much reefer as you want, but the hard stuff is bad news. You’re living proof. You almost weren’t, so get a grip and keep it.

To Michelle Rodriguez, a cell with a webcam in it.

To Paula Abdul, a nice long stay at Betty Ford. Time to come clean and get clean.

To Prince, a f***ing reality check, and a one way ticket back to First Avenue.

To Rosie O’Donnell, a one way ticket to Anchorage. Or anywhere that I don’t have to listen to you.

To Simon Cowell, a crowbar so your head can fit through the door.

To George W. Bush, when you’re done wasting the taxpayer‘s money on Iraq, a first floor apartment in New Orleans. In the St. Bernard Parish. And no vacation during hurricane season.

To Daniel Baldwin and Tom Sizemore, a year’s supply of will power.

I can’t figure out what to get Tyra Banks; a wig or a head shaving kit?

To Vince Vaughn, a shave and a haircut.

To Zac Efron, a big sloppy wet kiss. Yeah, right, pretty boy, dream on.

To a certain clueless bitch I exiled last week, I would give you a lump of coal, but you’d probably smoke it.

To Winona Ryder, a gift card for Macy’s. Use it this time, bitch!

Some of you may have figured it out by now; the ‘one-way ticket out of town’ is a nice little cousin to the more hardcore ‘exile’. Also, I’m gonna borrow from Monty Python and deliver ‘a boot to the head’ every now and then.

There are a few people I’ve left off my list here in favor of a little year-end dropkick off the side of the boat. That’s coming up next week. Don’t worry, this will be good. I’ll be passing some new legislation, and I’ll be voting some bitches off the island.

Good times.

—Shark—