Happy holidays, bitches. Shark here, and I’ve got on my Santa suit, ready to hand out gifts to the ones I love, and for the rest of the f***ers, I didn’t forget you either. Don’t let your fingers dangle in the water.
First off, before anything, I’m really surprised that more attention hasn’t been paid to a cause that’s dear to my heart;
Can you believe that? Holy Moly. I think a need a moment or two. WOW. Eva, I would stuff your stockings, but you need to put them on first. I’m also inspired to give you a Christmas spanking, but I wonder which of us would enjoy it more.
BTW, going without fur means all the way down, honey. Heh.
There’s a long list of hotties that I would give the world, along with a backrub and a lingering kiss on the back of the neck; Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johanssen, Allesandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, Alicia Silverstone (although she doesn’t have any ‘meat’ on her bones), Jessica Biel, Fergie (f*** the haters; she’s got a slammin’ bod and a perfect ass), Megan Fox, Carmen Electra (the brunette one, not the blonde), Charlize, Elisha Cuthbert(I’ll forgive the Paris alliance for a small favor…), Hayden P, Hilary Duff (for turning into a real beauty while remaining a class act), Jessica Alba (despite getting knocked up), Kate Beckinsale, Kim Catrall (time is ticking, bitch, I need to scratch that itch), Kylie Minogue (for being a survivor AND for being hot), Mandy Moore (for being a HORNY little class act), Michelle Rodriguez (for giving new meaning to the term ‘jailbait’), Nicole Kidman (for the Vanity Fair cover), Petra Nemcova (for ditching that dumb-ass Blunt), and Rihanna (for upstaging Beyonce very nicely, and for being so damn fine).
Thanks to all of you for making me proud to be a Shark.
–Christmas Wrap-Up –
For Beyonce, I would like to give you the year off. That way, it ends up being a real gift to all of us.
To the Hogan family, here’s a case full of duct tape, so you can put your lives and careers together.
To Seal + Heidi Klum, get a room! It’s on me. Horny f***ers. All kidding aside, they are one awesome couple, and more couples should aspire to that level of love.
To Lindsay Lohan, an extended stay in Utah, along with some Hydrience #32 Hibiscus.
To Cisco Adler, a f***ing hammock to hold that shit.
To Criss Angel, a crewcut and a day or two away from Vegas.
To Dog Chapman, a 5 night stay in Harlem.
To Ellen DeGeneres, a basket full of puppies… ah, never mind.
To Farrah Fawcett, sincere wishes for a full recovery.
To Hilary Swank, a $500 gift card to In’N’Out Burger, a case of Bud, and a spliff the size of the Washington Monument. There is such a thing as too healthy.
To J. Lo., here’s hoping that you have a great new career as a Mom. You sure wore the last one out.
To Jamie Foxx, a new agent. Same with Cuba Gooding. Those Oscars are turning out to be a curse.
To Jennifer Love Hewitt, a treadmill. Start walkin’, babe.
To Michael Jackson, a one way ticket back to Dubai.
To Justin Timberlake, a challenge. Let’s tag-team the above-mentioned hotties. Last man standing wins.
To Karl Lagerfeld, a voyage back to earth.
To Kevin Federline, a legal defense fund. Whatever it takes for you to win the kids permanently.
To Mary-Kate + Ashley Olsen, a good look at the Chinese fur trade. That may just make you think twice about wearing pelts. Fur may have been necessary for survival before modern times, but now it’s just turned into the most cruel and inhumane industry on the planet. Boycott it. Yeah, let China get pissed; their trade options are shrinking, and the jobs should be here anyway.
To Owen Wilson, a home far away from Hollywood. Looks like Tinseltown’s snowstorm just sucked you right in and spit you back out. Do as much reefer as you want, but the hard stuff is bad news. You’re living proof. You almost weren’t, so get a grip and keep it.
To Michelle Rodriguez, a cell with a webcam in it.
To Paula Abdul, a nice long stay at Betty Ford. Time to come clean and get clean.
To Prince, a f***ing reality check, and a one way ticket back to First Avenue.
To Rosie O’Donnell, a one way ticket to Anchorage. Or anywhere that I don’t have to listen to you.
To Simon Cowell, a crowbar so your head can fit through the door.
To George W. Bush, when you’re done wasting the taxpayer‘s money on Iraq, a first floor apartment in New Orleans. In the St. Bernard Parish. And no vacation during hurricane season.
To Daniel Baldwin and Tom Sizemore, a year’s supply of will power.
I can’t figure out what to get Tyra Banks; a wig or a head shaving kit?
To Vince Vaughn, a shave and a haircut.
To Zac Efron, a big sloppy wet kiss. Yeah, right, pretty boy, dream on.
To a certain clueless bitch I exiled last week, I would give you a lump of coal, but you’d probably smoke it.
To Winona Ryder, a gift card for Macy’s. Use it this time, bitch!
Some of you may have figured it out by now; the ‘one-way ticket out of town’ is a nice little cousin to the more hardcore ‘exile’. Also, I’m gonna borrow from Monty Python and deliver ‘a boot to the head’ every now and then.
There are a few people I’ve left off my list here in favor of a little year-end dropkick off the side of the boat. That’s coming up next week. Don’t worry, this will be good. I’ll be passing some new legislation, and I’ll be voting some bitches off the island.
Good times.
—Shark—
[...] Original post by Celebrity Smack! Gossip & Entertainment Blog [...]
check this out, Ms Ambrosio ain’t no saint…..
http://forum.bastardly.com/discussion/2952/naughty-alessandra-ambrosio/#Item_0
I don’t care if Alli is a saint or not, she’s just one hot mama. And if she deserves a spanking, that’s what I’m here for.
I agree with most of the woman you mentioned as hotties, minus Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel. My girl crushes have been Natalie Portman, Scarlett, Fergie, and Michelle Rodriquez. They are Very HOT! But you missed mentioning Angelina Jolie(tomb raider days)She used to look Fucking HOT as hell back in the day. I liked the section of your blog when you handed out presents to people. I especialy liked the ones to Bush and the Olsen Twins. LOL But I have to ask…why the hate on Jennifer Love Hewitt? She looks sexy to me, nothing wrong with a girl with meat on her bones. Right? I also Love Rosie O Donnel. Nothing wrong with a Woman who speaks her mind and dosent give a shit what people think . ;o)
Forgot to say…. I enjoy reading your stuff and keep up the good work! Hope you have a very good Christmas! ;O)
Hey Michelle, Merry X-Mas to you too. Thanks for the kind words.
- As far as Angie, she was beyond hot before she started a family. Not that I’m dissing her for that, she just doesn’t ‘work it’ like she used to. Also, she used to be the queen of PDA’s, but you would think that if she snagged Brad Pitt, she’d be taping that shit and selling it. And I’d like to see her put on a few pounds. I don’t go for the super-skinny look at all. Here’s a distinction I like to draw; ’she was hot back in the day’ may not always translate to now. Witness a certain pop star that I exiled last week. I LOVED THAT BITCH. Not anymore.
- I don’t have any hate for J. Love, and I’ve ALWAYS liked her. She is not fat, she just chunked out in a couple spots. I also LOVE Winona; talk about aging well, she is still as gorgeous as ever. I just took a couple light-hearted digs.
- Rosie O’Donnell… She just rubs me the wrong way. It’s a personality clash. She comes off as trying too hard to be funny. It works better when you leave yourself open to be inspired. She has the potential to be dead-on, but I’m not seeing it yet.
- Kate and Jess B are, if nothing else, attractive actresses that haven’t made asses of themselves. I love the fact that Eva Mendes made an ass of herself. Heh.
- Yeah, if the Olsen girls knew about the nasty shit that goes on in the fur trade… Think about this; if the Chinese have a horrible human rights record, you can just imagine how cruel they are to animals. I won’t repeat it here, but some of the stuff I’ve heard made me sick to my stomach, mad as hell, and very very sad. I’m an animal lover, so I hope that everyone who gives a shit would educate themselves on the subject.
- As for Bush, I really think that the Katrina disaster showed how out of touch he is with America. He just goes to these places, like with the California wildfires, to hold press conferences and stage photo-ops, while pissing away our tax dollars on a war that is not winnable. All I know is, karma works, but not fast enough where he’s concerned. Let’s just say that in 08, I am voting in a progressive way.
Enough of that shit; let’s party!
[...] Shark??s X-Mas Grab-Bag [...]
Very GOOD points that you made there! I understand what you mean about J. Love Hewitt now. Yeah if anything she should just want to be healthy and not let herself go because of being married. Too many woman do that to themselves. Nothing wrong with having meat on your bones, but not letting yourself go completly. Yeah Jessica Biel and Kate are pretty down to earth Woman who haven’t let their fame mess them up. Eva looks pretty damn hot in that PETA ad. I agree. ;0) If only more people cared about animals and stopped wearing fur! I know some of what goes on in the fur industry and It makes me sick to my stomach as well! I have been an animal activist for many years now and wish more people cared. It’s sad that some people don’t give a shit and just ignore It as animals suffer all around them. Sad. Complety agree with you on Bush. He Is an ignorant bastard who will get his when his time comes. He dosent give a shit about the people In Iraq, It Is his war on Oil. Most Americans feel that our troops should have been back home months ago. bush has his own agenda with this war, so he dosen’t give a shit what the american people think about it.. Anyway thanks for the response! Take care and don’t forget to ask Santa for Eva Mendes in your stocking. ;o) merry xmas
Haha! I loved all of those. Especially the K-Fed one. It’s true. He really needs some way to get those kids permanently.
[...] Ass [...]
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