THE SNARK ATTACK IS BACK!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water… Hello again, my pretties. Anyone break any resolutions yet? If not, you should. Just make some goals, and work on them little by little. The idea is not to quit bad habits cold turkey, but to phase them out. Good thing I have a workout room two doors down, because I hate health clubs. Mainly because I’m not into seeing other men parade their junk around the locker room. Maybe John Travolta is, but Shark is a certified horn-dog, and to quote Tone-Loc, “I don’t mess around with no Oscar Mayer Wiener.” Funky Cold Medina, motherf***er.

I’d like to see a lot less train-wrecks and a lot more got-their-sh*t-togethers. I’m sick of reading about the latest f**k-up, like it’s the in-thing. Or like it’s free publicity. BULLSH*T. There’s a hidden cost to that, and it’s called your fan base.

Lindsay Lohan manages to keep her name in the news without going off the rails. She ought to put a revolving door in front of her bed. Does that make her a slut? I don’t know, because no one’s complaining about rockstars nailing groupies on tour. And since when did a few swigs of champagne on New Year’s Eve count as a relapse? Big f**king deal. I pounded half a bottle one time, and no one said shit to me. Not that I can remember…

Flavor Of Love, Shot At Love, Rock Of Love, My Fair Brady and The Two Coreys are all returning. First off, let’s see if Tila can line up a bigger parade of douchebags than the last time. And who said it best when they roasted Flav; “You sold out quicker than the I-Phone!” All those whores that threw themselves at his feet would’ve just as easily f**ked a circus clown. Like I said before, guys, I ain’t watching this shit just like I ain’t watching Springer or Povich, so have fun. On a side note, I heard that Chris Knight wanted a separation after Adrienne posed for lezzo pics as a present for him. What a douchebag. Dude, you have the hottest bitch for a wife, she’s mad for you, and you do nothing but complain. If I were in your shoes, I would shut up and lick her into a coma.

Kumari Fulbright, you have pulled of the impossible task of making Nick Nolte look good. Was the meth worth it? Looks like the Fulbright award takes on a new meaning now.

Hey, Sebastian Bach, the least you could’ve done is warn everyone that you were thinking of making a record in the first place. Almost 85,000 spammers don’t really count as friends, do they? BTW, here’s a tip; use MySpace to sell your music direct with the Snocap service. Try a little innovation and quit bitching.

Dorothy Hamill was, and still is, an absolute doll. I hope she beats the cancer soon.

It’s fun to watch Hollywood being paralyzed by the writer’s strike. Maybe while the writers are walking the picket lines, they should try coming up with some good shit instead of the crap we’ve grown accustomed to over the years. I really don’t miss the shit at all.

You know what’s been bugging me lately? The notion that guys like me (I’m 42) shouldn’t be attracted to younger girls (18-30). Here’s my point; when you go to the grocery store, and you look for produce, do you get the fresh, ripe stuff, or do you deliberately get the shit that’s past the sell-by date? Enough said.

I’d love to give Pam Anderson a one-way ticket somewhere, but there isn’t anywhere in the world she hasn’t been to whore herself out. I’d stick her on some island, but you KNOW she could float away on her implants. The sad thing is, there are millions of guys around the world that STILL want to fuck the sh*t out of her. Makes me think that the caveman never really evolved.

Speaking of someone that never was the least bit useful in the first place… I’m gonna preface things by saying that I know that it’s an election year, and a lot of people are very charged up about their candidates. Everyone is entitled to vote for whoever they want, although I think a LOT of people vote the same way they choose a mate or a spouse; FOR ALL THE GODDAMN WRONG REASONS. I’ve made no secret of my support for Obama; say what you want, guys, NOTHING will sway me on this one. I’m not against Hillary because she’s a woman, she’s just not the right one in my eyes. If Michelle Obama ran for public office I’d vote for her in a nanosecond. So, the reason I’m bringing this up is because Roseanne Barr is now taking potshots at both Oprah and Obama. Since when did she become any authority on anything? You don’t like either O, fine, Roseanne, but I don’t see you committing your life to helping others. Maybe you inadvertently make people feel better about themselves when they see what a shrill pig you are, but that’s besides the point. If you have nothing better to offer, then SHUT UP.

So I broke my first resolution by watching a little bit of Celebrity Rehab. I really want to leave it alone, but it just blows my mind how people can just toss their lives away on drugs or booze. Life is much better when you’re clear-headed and you can take responsibility for your actions. Can you imagine Sharks if they were anything but totally lucid? I rest my case.

—–Shark—–