From Crazy Days & Nights:

• As tax season slowly trickles in, I am hearing from our accountant more, and hopefully the stuff will be as good as last year. Seems that there is this recently married male singer who is running a call girl ring. Our singer has ten condos leased in three different cities all under a corporate name. Checks go out to the leasing companies for the condos, and each day the accountant is getting money orders from people living in each of the condos. Now, I guess the tenants could be paying daily rent, but since the average amount sent in each day is $3000, that would be some expensive rent.
• Which spouse of a Presidential candidate is having an affair? (Not Bill. Would that really even be a shocker anyway?)
• Which married A list television actor was kissing his girlfriend at a supermarket last week, when he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see it was his in-laws.

From Page Six:

• Which political candidate showed extreme bad judgment in the woman he picked to have an extramarital affair with? The New Age hippie, who friends say “mooches off other people and sleeps on their couches because she doesn’t believe in money,” tells anyone who will listen about her fling with the good-looking guy. She recently walked up to a Page Six pal she’d just met and said, “Oh, I’m so stressed out. I’ve been having an affair with [a candidate].”

From Ted Casablanca:

• Ellen DeGeneres’ canine catastrophe is chopped liver compared to today’s blind job. First off, our source is one of the myriad personal employees reporting to one ‘Slurpa Pop-Off’, the bitch who serviced that dude in the bathroom of that Sunset Strip eatery, if you remember, and we’re sure you do.
  Now, many times our lady of the Slurpa has brought a brand-new pooch home as a new pet, which she fawns all over until it dawns on the dummy she’s now in charge of a living, breathing animal—and not a stuffed Pound Puppy. And, gosh, responsibility is not our go-to girl’s strong suit. Therefore, upon leaving her house, she often locks these pups in one of her many closets, supposedly to prevent them from making messies all over her expensive pad.
  But, uh, sometimes SPO would be gone for hours…days…weeks…and not tell anybody about the dog in its wardrobe dungeon. The animal’s existence would simply slip from her mind! Oh, doesn’t that happen to everybody? While cleaning the house, Pop-Off’s staff have—reportedly more than once—opened a closet to discover a tiny, dead dog.
  Beyond hideous. I swear, I may have to out this bitch. But Pop-Off’s employees just may have beaten moi to the punch, as animal services have been alerted.
  And just why the hell is this woman still allowed to purchase pooches? Please neuter and spay your pets, otherwise their offspring might one day meet their maker in Slurpa’s closet captivity.