Shark’s got a cold this week, and I’m just glad I don’t have to do any talking here. That doesn’t mean I’ll shut up. Nor will I EVER shut up. You can bet the farm on that sh*t. Last time I looked, it was an AMERICAN flag flying in my neighborhood. So all you haters out there, keep on, because it just fuels my fire.

Finally, the police take action against the out-of-control paparazzi. Now some of you might think that certain celebs might be inviting the attention, and in some cases playing the game for all it’s worth, but when the paps start causing trouble on the road, that makes me want to hang the f*ckers by their camera straps. Freedom of the press, MY ASS. That’s part of our constitution so the press could say what they wanted about the government without retribution, not so they could get up in everyone’s faces and violate their personal space just for a spot on the front page of US Weekly. Chris Martin is right, these guys have zero respect, and if they don’t watch out, more people will take them down to the pavement.

What’s up with all the pregnancies? It’s just more diapers in landfills, my friends. In Angelina’s case, twice as many. Including her own. Heh.

Fabio, you are full of it. Maybe Clooney couldn’t get over how retro-80’s you look, and how you built a career despite being a talentless hack. Maybe you’re jealous of George and how he gets more quality tail than you. But then again, you probably screw anything on two legs just to prove you can.

So Jenna Jameson quit porn, huh? Way to bite the dick that f*cks you. What’s next; finding Jesus? Don’t be such a hypocrite. Just own up to your spread-leg-acy and don’t ruin the party for the rest of us.

So, P. Diddy wants to change his name again, huh? Having a little identity crisis, Sean? Here, let me help. You are a raging egomaniac a**hole who hasn’t had a hit in ten years, and any of those so-called ‘hits’ involved putting new beats over old tunes. Original AND genius. Gimme a break. Your only real claim to fame was being Biggie’s little sidekick. You are one misstep away from an exile, and the way I’m feeling, it would take a light breeze to make that happen. So, my new name for you is… Piddy. As in, I Piddy the fool.

Add Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger to my many reasons why drugs are a tragedy waiting to happen. It sickens me that they could’ve had a long, healthy life and prosperous career, and now we can only wonder.

It’s cold as hell here in Chicagoland, but that’s OK, because it makes us appreciate when it’s 20 out. It also makes us appreciate pro-rated gas bills, even when you’re paying $70 a month in the middle of summer. Good times.

—–Shark—–