If you live in the Midwest, you know this has been the most brutal winter I can remember. It’s snowing again as I write this. The state has run out of salt, the roads are shredded to hell, and because the economy sucks, no one can take a vacation. So this means we get a real sweet spring, summer and fall, right? You know what they say; cold-water fish (esp. Shark) is healthier for you, so BITE ME!!!

Kate Hudson, do us all a favor and get Ryder a HAIRCUT! You’re giving him a complex and you don’t even know it. Last year I waited on this obnoxious family, and I was taking their order, and I said, “What are the two little girls having for dinner?” The Mom got pissed at me, pointed to one of them and said, “That one is my son.” No joke. This kid looked like an identical twin to his sister, with his long black hair styled just like hers. He is SO gonna get his ass kicked in school. By the kids with the big-ass afros.

Lindsay Lohan is out of her mind to even think that she could come close to looking as phenomenal now as Marilyn did then. Paris Hilton could’ve done a better job, but that ain’t saying much. And Hef, if you’re serious about putting that freckled freak in Playboy, you’re gonna have to fire up every last airbrush in the shop.

Didn’t Natalie Portman say recently that she’d like to switch teams? Scarlett ain’t a bad place to start, honey. Here’s a word of advice, though; ScarJo wears the blonde well, but you don’t.

There are three ways to get rich in America; an inheritance, winning the lottery, or suing someone. Wait a second, there’s a fourth; pimp out your kid(s) on a reality show. I’d rather sue someone.

Gene Simmons, dude, no. So you boned over 3,000 chicks when you were with KISS, and you’ve got the Polaroids to prove it. I’ll take your word for it, OK?

Eddie Van Halen claims that Val cheated first, huh? Ed, you’re a guitar god, but who the f*ck are you trying to kid? Especially when you had fluffers in your tour rider.

Aaron Carter gets busted for weed. I’ll say it again; needle-dick-bug-f*cker. I can’t believe this is the guy that Hillary Duff + Lindsay Lohan had that whole catfight over. Well, yeah I can, because Hil went out with Joel Madden and Linz f*cked everyone else in Hollywood.

So, Prince needs a hip replacement. I stuck him in Siberia along with bunch of other f*ckheads, but I’m sending him this one message; KARMA’S A BITCH, AND SO ARE YOU.

I’d like to see them airbrush Mariah Carey until she’s GONE.

So now Larry Birkhead has to hit up Dannielynn for an allowance. Cute.

Lisa Marie, stop your bitching. If the shoe fits… I take that back. Maybe it doesn’t fit now. Heh.

Nobody puts Swayze in a corner. My favorite movie line of his is from ‘Roadhouse’, where he tells his team of bouncers, “I want you to be nice… until it’s time to not be nice.” I hope he pulls through this. He seems like a genuinely decent dude among the parade of Hollywood jerks.

Rest assured, Rihanna, I love your booty, too. And everything else that goes with it.

Did you see that whole story about this golfer named Tripp that deliberately killed a hawk that was ‘disturbing’ his game? And now he’s apologizing. Tripp, F*CK YOU, OK? You should share the same cell as Michael Vick.

I’m going out of town for a little while, and I’ll be back on the 18^th. It’s only Oklahoma, but I’m just glad to get away from the f*cking job for a week. Have fun, bitches.

—–Shark—–