Anna Faris split town this weekend for Maui, eloping with her new husband Chris Pratt, who feels it is quite okay to prance his fat ass around the beach wearing American flag boyshorts. I’m pretty sure that’s not what they meant by all-inclusive when The Kidd booked his vacation.  After seeing this display, it’s enough to make me look into Canadian citizenship… or at least Communism.

For those of you looking for a way into Anna Faris’ heart, consider your hopes and dreams crushed. You just didn’t have what it took.  Or maybe you did have what she was looking for; you just never thought in a million years that a beer gut, a sense of style somewhere between Kid Rock and a redneck stripper, and being severely unattractive would be enough to seal the deal.

Somehow, I get the feeling that one of the Wayans brothers is in on this, laughing in the background while making fart jokes, as he tries to force me to pay 10 bucks to watch this whole thing play out. That would explain the gross scene that just ran through my head of these two having sex, and let’s just say it involved a lot of mayonnaise, some Cheese Whiz, and plenty of bratwurst… and that was just him eating before the foreplay even started.

At least in marrying this guy, we can rest assured that Anna Faris is still pretty funny… which is more than we can say for THE HOUSE BUNNY…

Zing!

[Photo: @starsurf, SplashNews]