Congratulations are in order for Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, who are now the parents of twin girls. Their surrogate mother gave birth earlier today to their new children, now bringing their total to 3 kids overall.

Good for you, Matthew Broderick, as I’m sure these two new children will be a constant reminder to you of how it all went so wrong so quickly for you. It’s a shame that a guy as cool as Ferris Bueller is locked down to a woman who looks like Sarah Jessica Parker. The Kidd is certainly no doctor, but I’m pretty sure the reason a surrogate had to carry their new children was because Ferris just couldn’t look at Sarah Jessica Parker long enough to have sex in order to create some new babies. If you had to bang SJP, you’d have a hard time, too. I’m sure they tried blindfolds and paper bags and whatever other tricks they could pull out of the having-sex-with-an-ugly-girl bag, but, in the end, it’s still Sarah Jessica Parker, and that is a tall obstacle to overcome.

At this point in time, I’m pretty sure Matthew Broderick would rather be nailing Ben Stein or that dude who played Cameron over the ugly one from SEX AND THE CITY. Just think… it could have all been a little bit different had he just stayed in school that one extra day… or had he not made INSPECTOR GADGET.

But he did, so good luck in the future. Have fun living with what could have been as opposed to what it’s really like now.

Bueller…? Bueller…? Damn. I pushed him too far, didn’t I?