Just What Those Twilight Sickos Needed… Dolls

You’ve got to hand it to some of these corporations out there. They have found a golden opportunity to take advantage of these sad and pathetic TWILIGHT fans who will spend all of their money on anything with the TWILIGHT name on it, no matter what it is (come on… how else do you explain people actually owning that movie on DVD, especially after seeing it in a theatre… it sucked BADLY).

Mattel is joining in on the fray, because they like money, and will soon begin selling TWILIGHT Barbie, with an Edward Cullen “Ken” doll and a Bella Swan “Barbie” doll leading the way. The Edward doll will feature a shimmering complexion and trademark gold eyes while the Bella doll will just be pale. Either way, these plastic figures are about as lifelike and charismatic as the actors who played these characters in the movies to begin with, so I guess you’ve got to hand it to Mattel for their accuracy. Now, if only they could make me fall asleep quickly much like the movie did, I wouldn’t need to drink all of that vodka late at night to help me fall asleep… just some of it.

Obviously Mattel was short-sighted in their vision for this new product line, but, since they don’t ship until November 27, let The Kidd offer up a bit of advice. Make the Edward doll vibrate. I mean, you just know this is the closest some of these TWILIGHT fans are going to come to getting laid, so you might as well help them out, since you know they are sticking that doll in places it shouldn’t be anyway. And, for you guys that are really into TWILIGHT… please be safe, and lube it up. No one wants to go to the emergency room with a doll stuck in their ass. Not like I would know or anything… I’ve just… I’ve heard things.

As for the Bella doll… well, no one’s buying that… at least no one that doesn’t have issues to begin with, in which case, the fact that they want to make two plastic dolls have doll sex is the least of our worries about them. But, it needs no special features or extra add-ons. It’s like anyone is going to try doing anything inappropriate with it, because if you have any desire to have sex with Kristen Stewart, well… there is nothing funnier I could possibly say than the fact that you actually want to have sex with Kristen Stewart.

By the way, Mattel, you know where to send the check for my services. Nice doing business with you again.

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