Celebrity Wife Swap: Dee Snider, Flavor Flav RECAP

ABC’s Celebrity Wife Swap

I missed out on the Gary Busey episode of Celebrity Wife Swap and after hearing the buzz about it, I was definitely not going to miss the second episode featuring Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav and Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider.

The show begins and we meet Suzette Snider, Dee’s wife, a petite spitfire Italian cougar who hooked up with him when she was only 15-yrs-old (he was 21). So she was a lot like Courtney Stodden (see the resemblance?) except her husband was thirty years younger and 30X less creepy than Doug Hutchison.  Suzette says Dee is the only man she’s ever been with, and she hopes this experience will show her just what an amazing husband he really is. “Is he as great as I think he is? I’m hoping I’ll learn that,” she says.

Liz Lump (I don’t recall her last name) on the other hand, is complete opposite of Suzette. A chunky homebody and avid gambler (they live in Vegas), she does very little, if any, housework and is pretty much devoid of any personality except when she is sitting at a card table. Her mother Shirley does most of the household chores for the family and takes care of the baby often. Liz wonders how Flav will get along without her. “He’s never been without me in the home,” she worries.

Of his wife, Flav boasts, “She takes care of the home, I take care of her,” and right there we know that’s code for ‘Nanny with Benefits.’ Quite a relationship these two seem to have – or lack thereof. Liz simply comes off as a freeloader who is only content doing things that require burning zero calories.

Liz walks in to Dee’s beautiful Los Angeles mansion and is floored by it’s majestic elegance. Suzette, who hates Las Vegas, is not impressed with Flav’s modest home. His Las Vegas digs look nice enough from the exterior, but the interior lacks any decorating. No wall hangings, no personality, no “flavor,” and there is masking tape over the doorway leading to his bedroom so Suzette won’t enter. Immediately I think, what is he hiding?! Weed? Liz’s gnarly battery boyfriend?

After snooping around in each other’s homes and reading about what the other wife does during her everyday normal life, Liz tells the camera,”This is really is a rock n’ roll family,” while Suzette discloses, “These two need to grow up. They don’t take care of their kids!” They are both correct.

Liz Lump assumes the life of Suzette Supereverything, although she has no clue what she’s doing. Simple things like cooking, styling one of the boys’ hair and pressure washing the deck are clearly too much for her and she is exhausted by the end of it.

On the flip side, Suzette takes on the role of Liz, which is doing a whole lot of nothing. Crocheting, sitting on the couch and there’s a whole lot of waiting. She’ll soon learn that despite the massive clock around his neck, Flav does not like to keep a schedule.

When it’s the ladies’ turn to lay down their rules is when the show gets dramatic. Liz lacks in the creativity department (and every other department as well) and simply asks the family to do and finish all the tasks they had given her. Pressure washing the deck, etc. before plopping her fat ass in a lawn chair for the day. Then she teaches them to crochet or “crotch-eting” as one of the boys puts it. “Liz, will you teach me to crochet a noose so I can hang myself?” he adds.

When it comes time for Suzette to dish out her rules for Flav, he doesn’t show up. An hour or two he comes waltzing in without any urgency. Suzette is pissed. She didn’t put on her sexy silver mesh top and sparkle jeans so she could be stood up. This was her true moment on the show, dammit, and he was keeping her from shining.

Finally he strolls in, on the phone as usual, and Suzette tears him apart. Obviously Flav is used to doing whatever he wants but Supereverything won’t have it. When she finally gets to lay down the law with her rules, she is barking orders, pointing and having a complete banshee freak out. Her rules are to spend more time with the kids, stop giving autographs and posing for pics when the family is together in public, no hanging with the boys, and keep the clock around the neck off.

Flavor, 52,  reacts like a child when learning the new rules. He storms out the house and past the backyard trampoline straight to the sandbox, where he sits and sulks for 45 minutes. Yes, I said the sandbox.

“If I was married to him, I’d kill him,” seethes Suzette.

Hours later Flav shows up late, again, this time it causes he and Suzette to miss their skydiving appointment. Suzette has smoke coming out her ears, eyes, nose, nips and ass she is so pissed. He begs her to still go skydiving and she refuses. “Kiss my little white ass!” she snips. The old, ‘lash out at you while complimenting myself’ trick. Hos always carry this one around in their back pocket.

Flav sends his baby off with an aunt and breaks another of Suzette’s rules. She loses it, packs her things (did you see her granny panties/Spanx while she was bent over?!) and storms off to a hotel for the last night.

Back in Liz’s world, she shows the family how she loves to play Blackjack and suddenly she is perky, upbeat and attentive. It’s like someone shot her up with a speedball. Having worked in a casino for 7 years I recognize it right away, this woman gambles a lot. Trust.

The next day the two wives are reunited with their husbands and Suzette does the big attention thing by being dramatic. She runs at Dee, leaps in the air and suctions to him like Rachel Uchitel to a plastic surgeon willing to swap services. Flav returns and makes it all about him. He and Liz seem like they could care less if the other is there or not.

The confrontation at the end where everyone lashes out at each other was a one-woman show. Of course Suzette Supereverything was running shit and she was ready to tell Flavor Flav what a failure he was at life.

Liz starts off saying what a great family Suzette has and how well she got along with them. Dee chimes in saying that their family is 100% due to Suzette’s role as a mother and wife. This is where Suzette loses it.

Her beady eyes turning onyx black and her botox’d face getting tighter by the minute, Suzette screams at Flavor, “He [Dee] chooses to be a part of the family, not like you, who doesn’t!” For the rest of the show it’s Suzette having a complete bitch fit, screeching, flailing, head spinning … and she was literally foaming at the mouth. It wasn’t a pretty sight. She was acting like one of the lunatic hookers from Flavor of Love, but 40-years-older and a lot richer.

What did this episode of Celebrity Wife Swap teach us? That Flavor Flav is exactly who we thought we was, a big, ugly kid. I still secretly love him though. His wife is a masterful leech who is somehow managing to suck blood out of a turnip, and against all chromosomal odds both she and Flav have managed to create some beautiful children. WTF! Have you seen Alessandra Ambrosio’s kid? How do these things happen?!

Suzette is like a chihuahua, loud, obnoxious and being carried by the purse of her daddy, but she is a hell of a doer. Dee just pays the bills and does what Suzette wants. Period. Their kids are intelligent, hip and snarky, so of course I loved them, but they’re spoiled rotten.

Not as good as I expected, and next week’s episode doesn’t really excite me, (Niecy Nash/Tina Yothers) so this might be the end of my journey with Celebrity Wife Swap. Unless Tina breakdances on Niecy’s face or something, I’m out.

[Photos: ABC]