- Posted by: Spicy
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- Jan 17, 2012
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- One Smack Talker
They really should just call this show “The Bachel-WHORE” the way these women will do/say/become anything just to get a rose.
On this week’s The Bachelor the women go to Ben’s hometown of San Francisco, CA. In a town of perfectly coiffed gays, Ben isn’t even metrosexual. Still in desperate need of a shave and a haircut, Ben’s task is to experience this beautiful and romantic city with the remaining ladies while doing his best to not look like the complete goon that he is.
Kacie gets the episode’s first edit and she lights up when talking about Ben’s hometown. “We’re going to get to see him where he lives, and where I could possibly live,” she imagines, all giddy. I feel sorry for her. Is she really already thinking that far ahead? As usual it doesn’t take long for the delusional, Cinderella-esque fantasies to come into play. It’s like she’s expecting Wheel of Fortune‘s Pat Sajak to jump out and she’ll spin the magic wheel, winning the life of a princess. Hello Kacie, wake up, you’re on The Bachelor. This could mean having sex with Ben for the rest of your life. Peen, there is peen involved. Think about what you say. Sheesh.
We meet Julia, Ben’s sister, she seems nice enough, but her chit-chat seems rehearsed and she brings very little to the table. I notice her hair isn’t as wiley as Ben’s. She lucked out.
Julia asks Ben if anyone stands out to him at this point in the game. Ben brings up Lindzi and how she rode in on the horse, Kacie B. and the twirling batons, he calls Courtney “down to earth” and “drama free,” Emily he describes as a “science nerd” who is ”pretty and funny,” and Jennifer, perhaps the only sane one on the show, gets the best review. Ben tells his sister she is “super attractive” and the “best kisser.” When Ben uses complicated adjectives like “super” and “best” you know he’s not clowning.
The cheesy chat continues and Julia doesn’t seem to care about the outcome for her brother, she is more concerned with the ladies bombarding her.
Julia dryly jokes, “This will be a very funny story to talk about later on in life.” Cut to the chase, Julia. What you really mean is: “This probably isn’t going to work out, bro, but we can laugh about all these psycho bitches after your d*** gets cut off.” I swear, the Flajnik family has no flair for communication.
EMILY’S DATE:
Emily, the timid Kendra Wilkinson look-alike, scores the first one-on-one date. Her card reads: “Love lifts us up.” Immediately Emily mentions her massive fear of heights. “Am I going to pee my pants?” No, worse, you’re going to make out with Ben.
The camera cuts to Courtney with that bombed out look on her face. “I’m sure the date with Emily will be boring,” she flubs. She looks like she’s hopped up on Percocet or Oxy. Or maybe it’s just all that filler in her face that makes her expressions look so expressionless. Creepy bitch.
Continue reading my The Bachelor recap after the cut!
Emily, never seeming very sure of herself, and certainly nervous to learn what lies ahead, is horrified to learn she and Ben will be climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge. “I’d rather do anything than climb up a bridge. I feel like I want to die. I am horrified of this,” she says though chattering teeth. Although Ben is also afraid of heights he remains optimistic. “If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge together, there is no telling how far we can take this relationship.” Take it to the star, baby.
Hoooooooooooonk…! Cameras cut to a semi-truck flying by on the freeway below the bridge (aggressive horn edited in) as a gentle reminder that Ben is the roadkill of all Bachelor seasons.
Emily looks like she’s going to cry when she looks at the cord and clamp that will be holding her onto the bridge during the climb. “That’s what separates us from a gruesome death?” she asks. Halfway up the bridge her fear of heights kicks into full gear and she panics and stops. Unable to move, Ben comforts her with a caveman kiss. ”I want Emily to know I’m there for her…I’m here for her…and that we’re going to get through this together. So I did the only thing I could think of, I gave her a kiss.”
So, this is the difference between The Bachelor and REAL relationships. In a real relationship the woman would have freaked the fug out, screaming at her man to step off, she’s terrified of heights and a kiss is NOT going to help right now. I want down, NOW. But no, it’s The Bachelor and women are willing to promise their bastard first borns just to make it to the end where a People magazine spread awaits them. Forget a husband.
After the kiss Ben and Emily shout a victory scream together and decide to make the bridge their bitch. They continue the climb all the way to the top. Insert something punny here.
Over dinner they talk about Ashley Hebert and Ben’s failed proposal. Emily talks about her online dating experience (probably never smart on a first date) and goes on to tell Ben a weird story. After signing up with an online dating service and taking “overly attractive” photos of herself, the results were in. The company had returned with compatible bachelors for her to browse. Eager to see her choices, she opened the site and found that her brother Peter was listed as the #1 result. Apparently they’re both self conscious, needy, desperate dumbsh**s. Okay harsh, I know. I like Emily, but anyone who is willing to go on this show is pretty much just what I said.
The awkward rose moment finally rolls around and Ben jokes, “I didn’t even notice it, did you?” Emily searches for a snarky comeback but settles with, “It noticed me. I looked over at it, and it was staring at me all night.” They share uncomfortable laughter. The rose breaks the ice though, and suddenly Emily and Ben kiss under fireworks because this is what you’re supposed to do.
Ben’s lips look to be covered in saliva. I was half hoping to see him wipe his mouth on his sleeve.
GROUP DATE:
“Let’s cancel something off our leap list,” reads the group date card. The tramp parade goes skiing. Yeah, it’s 85 degrees and they’re in San Fran, but The Bachelor has hauled in snow and packed it on a hill for the ladies to ski down, while bikini clad, of course. Cameras of both The Bachelor‘s and the locals’ zoom in on the girls’ size-zero tushes as they ski (and fall) down the hill backwards, sideways, ass in the air, and completely out of control, displaying their limber young bodies in the most awkward of positions.
BRITTNEY’S DATE:
Next up for a one-on-one date is Brittney. ”Brittney let’s unlock our love with a key to the city,” her date card reads. She also receives a necklace in a box, which is a key to the city. Instead of being thrilled and parading around to all the other women, Brittney looks mortified and sits stooped in her chair, not moving. “I didn’t see that coming at all,” she says stoically. She starts panting heavily. “Something just doesn’t feel right to me. I should be excited but I’m not, I’m torn and confused.”
Meanwhile during the pre-funk cocktail party, Ben, again completely clueless to the women’s energy, says, “I don’t think there’s going to be any drama tonight.” He couldn’t be any more wrong.
It’s a late cocktail hour and now is the time where the women are buzzed and they compete for Ben’s attention by hauling him off into dark corners for a little slap and tickle. Rachel, the freckled blonde with the nose piercing (who’s a little rough around the edges) is the first to succeed.
Then Ben steals Kacie away and it’s obvious he is attracted to her. “Something about her sparkles, her personality, her everything,” he says. Couldn’t possibly be her sequin dress. He’s such a poet. Anyway, they kiss and frolic, and I have a feeling this might the hottest chick he’s ever tongued.
We don’t see a lot of Blakely this episode, but when we do, she’s working her snake oil charms on Ben during the cocktail party. “They all hate me, they’re all jealous,” she complains while sitting in perfect posture, torpedo knockers aimed at Ben as though he was their target. Blakely hints that she might be thinking of leaving when really she’s just fishing for attention. While Ben is trying to convince Blakley to stay, Britnney comes storming in to tell him she is leaving the show. He seemed unfazed and left it with, “Say bye to your grandma.”
And one more girl bites the dust. She’s a smart cookie.
LINDZI’S DATE:
Lindzi is next up with the final one-on-one date and she and Ben head off into the city. Lindzi keeps looking at her shoes as though she regrets choosing them for the city. The couple do all the cutesy stuff for the cameras, like eat ice cream and take a trolley tour, and Lindzi is convinced it’s true love. “I haven’t felt like this with someone in a really long time…”
Zzzzzzz…..
The couple then head over to San Fran’s city hall and it’s closed, but dreamy Bachelor Ben has a key. “I don’t know who this guy is, but he’s kind of amazing,” gushes Lindzi. Well Lindzi, I’m pretty sure he’s not this charming in real life. She doesn’t care though, it’s all an act. She’s faker than Blakely’s DD’s.
Some random band plays for them in the empty building and they proceed to dance (more like ‘awkwardly jerk around’) and kiss. “I normally don’t kiss boys on the first date,” Lindzi says, wanting to come across virginal and pure enough to be someone’s wife. She wants us to know that it’s only while on camera for a national television show on ABC that she will kiss on a first date. Lies, lies, lies!
The date continues on and Ben takes Lindzi to a Speakeasy where they need a password to enter. We never hear what the password is, but I think I heard Ben say, “Chump.”
Lindzi brings up the “Welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU” story like she probably does every time she has a drink at the bar and some dumbass makes the mistake of listening. She doesn’t kiss on the first date mind you, but she does dump all of her emotional baggage at your doorstep. After she marries she’ll probably light it on fire too. As they say, for every drop-dead gorgeous woman there is a man sick of putting up with her sh*t and I bet her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Dumpsville, had a very good reason for dropping her like a hot potato. Anyway, she ends up with a rose.
Then comes the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Ben and Jennifer bond after Ben tells her she is best kisser and they share another kiss. Jennifer says her kisses with Ben will remain a secret but unbeknownst to her the other women spot her. I like Jennifer, but does anyone else think she is getting a winner’s edit (along with Kacie)?
Remember Shawntel from Bachelor Brad‘s season? Well that crazy bitch was brought back in to join the ladies and try to win Ben’s heart. The reason she was so anxious to be on Ben’s season is unclear, but it sounded like Shawntel met Ben at some point – probably a reality event or something – and was enamored with him. She also saw a shot at landing a spot on television again, and possibly a husband, for all the wrong reasons, of course.
Ben seems confused why she is on the show and you can tell that there was no love connection when they met, regardless of what Shawntel is trying to make it out to be. In her delusional mind though, there were definite sparks and Shawntel is ready to lay down right there, slap on the cherry lube and consummate the relationship . ”I think he is going to feel the same way I do,” she says confidently going into the mansion.
Psycho model Courtney, the most fake one in the bunch, and who is pretty but looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel, steals a moment with Ben. She talks in her annoying, whiny babytalk voice. She must be an only child who spoke that way to get what she wanted while growing up. She’s also very valley girl and interjects ”like,” and “you know,” into every sentence. Courtney tries to seduce Ben, telling him, “we could make cute babies.” I think I hear Ben swallow his nuts. I picture kewpie dolls with wiry, uncontrollable hair.
:::Record scratch:::
Shawntel walks into the room and whisks past all the ladies making zero eye contact with them. She walks up to Ben who says, “Ho-ly….!”and honestly at first I don’t think he knows what the hell he is looking at.
“I enjoyed the times we spoke …. I wasn’t expecting this,” Ben tells Shawntel. I wish The Bachelor would explain how they met instead of simply showing the awkward reunion. This is just weird.
“I don’t know what to say to you right now,” he continues. ABC truly threw a wrench into Ben’s world and he is left completely mind-f***ed. Shawntel goes on, desperate to find some sort of connection with Ben and she assures him that it was love at first sight for her, whenever it was that they met. “I would not be here if it was someone else,” she insists.
Does anyone else think she looks/acts like Michelle Noonan from Big Brother? (Before the plastic surgery and midlife crisis.)
While Shawntel tries to convince Ben that she is really there for love, the ladies eat her alive behind her back. Rachel says “I don’t like the bitch,” Jaclyn calls her “dumpster trash,” (you know she was thinking ‘dumpster slut’) and Erika stabs with, “She’s uglier in person … that always makes me feel better. She has wider thighs than me …. which always makes me feel better.” Yes ladies, THIS is what women first think of you when they meet you and why we all starve ourselves. The Thigh Trump.
The Bachelor women are in a tizzy, heads spinning from Shawntel’s arrival. The booze flows, as do the tears. Nicki’s crying, Jaclyn’s crying, Monica is crying and Courtney’s chewing her plumped lips.
Finally, two hours into this crap ass show and it’s time for the rose ceremony. Can you hear the sacrificial tribal music in the background? WTF?
The freakout fest continues throughout the ceremony. Erika turns as blue as her dress and says she is going to faint. She eventually drops to the ground in a heap and Ben rushes over, gently yelling for water. Yes, this was a gentle yell, not like the one he let out with Emily on the Bay Bridge. Ever have one of those dreams where you are trying to scream but it barely comes out? That’s gentle Ben’s ‘urgent’ voice.
By the way, is someone pissing in the background? That fountain has got to be the worst background noise ever. Turn that off while taping, ABC! Really?! Suddenly your entire viewing audience of 179 people have to leave to use the bathroom. My husband who wasn’t even watching the show asked who was pissing on TV. I’ll chock it up to an intentional distraction on the part of producers from this horribly awful season.
It FINALLY comes down to the last rose and Erika, Shawntel and Jaclyn are the three left. After the drama of Erika’s “fainting spell” it’s back to business and Chris Harrison pops out of nowhere to partake in the smashing of reality TV dreams for those who don’t receive a rose.
Ben drops a little bomb and tells the room that he has decided NOT to give out the remaining rose. Take that, you catty twats. Maybe Ben does own a pair. Erika, Shawntel and Jacyln are ALL going home.
Jaclyn hyperventilates while Shawntel walks out, arm-in-arm with Ben. Ben basically laughs at Shawntel (did you catch it?) when he snickers, “I just can’t believe you came all the way out here!” He’s laughing at her because he has no idea what she is talking about when she says there were sparks between them. Talk about embarrassing yourself.
Erika drops to the floor again in a huff, and goes into a complete, rejected bachelorette meltdown. I’m surprised she didn’t start convulsing. Where was she the past two episodes? I think I’m in love. Hello, I think we have the new, psycho Bachelorette!
Great review Spicy! Your reviews make the show bearable and funny, and better yet, I enjoy reading your reviews in lieu of watching the actual show. Ha!