Bachelor Recap: Week 4
The show takes me two hours to watch, actually longer, because I’m writing, pausing, and snapping pics, so tack another 45-minutes to that. And that’s not even including editing the pics and doing the actual write-up. Yes, I hate The Bachelor, but for some sick, twisted reason I love to hate it, so therefore I watch, and continue to rip it apart every week. So let’s just jump right into this, shall we?
This week’s episode of The Bachelor is set in Park City, Utah where the women model an assortment of trendy scarves and Chris Harrison dons his favorite yuppy cable-knit sweater complete with popped collar. Chris, the 80s are back in style, but not like that, bro.
RACHEL’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE
First up to bat with a one-on-one date is Rachel, the gravel-voiced, freckled fashion sales rep, who is kinda pretty – but kinda meth chic too. The Bachelor cameras cut to Kacie, who starts crying about how she and Ben have a “connection” and how hard it is getting to go through the show’s process. We’re only three minutes into the episode and someone is already crying. Someone hand ME the Kleenex, please. ”I wish it was over and done and we were going to the grocery store right now,” Kacie whines. Notice she didn’t say, “having sex.” Kacie is smart, playing the role of the next Bachelorette I have a feeling. Anyone else feel it? She is ABC’s freaking dream girl.
Rachel and Ben take off in a helicopter while the remaining famewhores watch from the window. “These moun-uhns are just incredible. I’ve never seen anything as beautiful and stunning as this,” Rachel comments and right then I’m baffled she’s not from the backwoods of (whatever state does not offend you).
I like where things are going with Rachel,” says Ben. “She’s great, super and easy going.” And just like last week, Ben whips out his most sacred adjectives, “great” and “super”. So much flavor, that Ben. So tofu.
The couple head out on a romantic canoe ride on the water and Ben gives Rachel the obligatory kiss because really, they don’t have anything to talk about and it’s a way to fill the void and pass time. Also, I think Ben likes to lick the blow off her gums.
“It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt this way….” says Rachel. Immediately I want to pour my coffee over my keyboard (watching online this week, hence the crappy pics) and fry my new Mac. Every week one of the ladies say this, and every week they don’t mean it.
Rachel tells the cameras over and over how she has a hard time opening up, but when faced with Ben she lets him lead the conversation, laughs at his jokes but doesn’t add any substance to the conversation. ”I don’t know what it is. She tells me she’s interested but I don’t see it in her actions,” says Ben.
Over dinner Rachel and Ben chat about past relationships, blah blah, blah...and Rachel says, “Why waste time in a relationship you don’t see going anywhere?” Ben looks at her seriously and says,”Agreed.” Of course we think she’s going home, nothing about the date was spectacular, but she gets the rose even though Ben shouldn’t have given it to her.
Time to roast Ben’s testes around the fire in celebration of Rachel’s good fortune.
There’s no way it will work for these two. I’m bored out of my head.
Continue reading for the rest!
Time for the group date and Jamie, Casey S., Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., Courtney, Blakely, and Lindzi are chosen. Oddly enough, we don’t see much of Blakely this episode, which is kind of a bummer, but I do see her long enough to realize she reminds me of someone. But who…?
Ben comes riding in on his pony, okay, horse, with his Hush Puppies in the stirrups looking like he has no business on a horse. “I’m looking forward to showing my country side, my rougher side, and I’m looking forward to seeing if these women can get into it.” Which sounds super studly and hot even, just as long as it’s not Ben who’s saying it.
Rough, tough and manly, Ben and his horse approach the stream of water that separates he and the women. Then my hunch is confirmed – Ben has no clue what he is doing on a horse. His lemon head is nearly snapped off when the horse leaps into the water. I literally spit coffee at the sight of it and proceeded to rewind and replay it about 7 times, laughing harder every time I watched it.
Throughout this episode of The Bachelor we get to listen to Kacie ramble on and on about how she and Ben “have a connection.” Rinse and repeat every segment of the show. We get it.
Boots, waders, and a rod (Ben, of course), and the ladies are off for a group date of fly fishing. Courtney snags Ben away while Lindzi hovers over their shoulder keeping a watchful eye. Courtney manages to keep Ben snared in her web though, impressing him with her fish catching skills and pissing the women off with her doofus-catching skills.
After the women have retuned to The Bachelor mansion, Casey and Ben settle down for a discussion. She asks him how many time’s he’s been in love. “Four times,” he answers. ”That’s a lot,” she replies. “Nah, that’s been like [since] high school – 15 years,” he calculates. Then, like he’s trying to solve a math equation, he adds, “….carry the 2.” Ben sucks at math. What 2 is he carrying? If he graduated at 18 and it’s been 15 years he is 33. But wait, he’s actually 28. I still don’t know what 2 he is carrying. Certainly not a pair of balls.
See, it’s these little things that keep me coming back to this craptastic show. Btw, does the piped-in cricket soundtrack annoy the hell out of anyone else?
Lindzi interrupts and she and Ben sit down for a chat. She gives him a sob story about losing her boss since her dad is assumedly still alive. It just so happens Ben lost a friend two days before taping the show. They bond.
Then Samantha (Gaga?!) interrupts and steals Ben away, not knowing she is about to blow her chance at being a reality star. She complains about the three group dates she’s been on. “I have such crazy feelings for this guy; I feel like I should already have a ring on my finger,” she tells the camera.
Ben tells Samantha that he”observes” the ladies on group dates to see if they can “handle” themselves. Then he drops the bomb. “To be honest with you, the group dates you’ve been on, you’ve been highly emotional. I wonder if you’re even here to take this serious. I don’t see it.” And just like that, Samantha is dumped by the manscape-challenged Bachelor. ”Another one bites the dust,” snips Courtney as she sips the kitten blood from her goblet.
Kacie and Ben hookup again and she tells him to reassure her at points throughout the competition so she knows that they have something real. He says he will, but then Courtney gets in the way.
Courtney and Ben hang out by the fire upstairs and she gets all needy, talking in her baby voice, making those weird faces, and appearing as though she is wounded prey. She subtly (blatantly to me) hints that a rose would make her feel better. Ben falls for it and Kacie B. seethes that she was not given the rose. “Winning!”
JENNIFER’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Jennifer is the cute ginger who is probably the nicest one on the show and the least likely to screw Ben over. She’s the only one I can actually see him with. The couple are set to take a hiking adventure which will lead them to an interesting natural water filled canyon. I notice Ben is wearing heavy shoes and no socks. You know what that means, I can smell them from here.
Once at the canyon the two strip down to their swimsuits and are cabled up together. Although afraid of heights, Jennifer is a trooper and takes the ride into the canyon with Ben. It was like watching someone throw a hotdog down a hallway if you know what I mean.
During dinner they talk past relationships (why do they always do this?!) and it starts to rain and fake thunder. They head inside where a concert by country singer Clay Walker is awaiting them. First the “canyon” adventure and then …. just look at that thing over Clay Walker, a glowing uterus! I am certain these two will reproduce now!
Emily approaches Ben about Courtney and how she thinks Courtney is being fake with him. He tells her to let it go and focus on us or it could be “your demise.” Meaning, back off, she’s giving me some and you’re not. Sometimes Ben does have a pearl or two of knowledge laying around. Don’t ask where he keeps it though.
Emily is so dense that she runs to Casey, who is the only ally of Courtney, and tells her everything she told Ben. Casey passes the info to Courtney. I am 100% positive Emily was a rabbit in a past life.
After the commercial break it’s time for the last minutes fights, freak-outs and flirts before the rose ceremony. Ben grabs Nicki and they head out to the balcony, wine in hand, to watch the snow. I must have a sick mind because every single sentence that came out out their mouths created awful visuals in my head. I am positive The Bachelor did this to us intentionally.
I’m a sick bitch, I know.
The rose ceremony was uneventful, no one passes out or storms off. Monica is the one left without a rose and I am disappointed in her. She is the one I thought for SURE was going to be a bad bitch this season, but like the others she turned out to be a heaping mess of collagen, silicone and tears as she was shipped out of town in the dreaded black limo. Pathetic!
It looks like we have skinny dipping Ben to look forward to next week so break out your magnifying glasses.
(As much as they want us to believe that Courtney, I have a feeling that’s going to be Kacie B. doing the nasty.)
See you next Tuesday…and that’s not code for anything.