Jennifer Love Hewitt: Pole Dancer

Jennifer Love Hewitt is MAXIM’s April 2012 cover girl 

Before I start bashing her I will say that I’m pretty sure I would like Jennifer Love Hewitt in person.

I’ve never heard of her throwing bitch fits or tossing her weight around (be nice) and her nipples stay nicely tucked inside of her clothing. But I can’t help but think she comes across as a little desperate at times, wanting to get married and live happily ever after, pop out a few kids and end in divorce a few years later. Hey, that IS happily ever after in Hollywood for the most part.

Jennifer complains that men never hit on her and are intimidated by her fame. “It might sound so stupid,” she says, “but guys do not hit on me. I’m not really sure why, but it’s very rare that a guy will ever come up to me and be like, ‘I’m going to lay down my game right now, and you’re going to like it.’”

Still, somehow she manages to hop from guy-to-guy-to-guy but never lands a husband, and I think it has messed with her head a little bit. That’s where the desperate part comes in.

During her MAXIM interview Jennifer Love Hewitt talks about all of her girly bits and how much she loves them, loves decorating them, loves celebrating them. Clearly the type of girl you want to bring home to your mother. Or marry, right?

Jennifer on sticking crystals on her vagina:

“Vagazzaling is where you stick Swarovski crystals on the female area to add a little glitz and glamour. I actually named it that because it’s like BeDazzling for your hoo-ha. The fun part of being a girl is that there are little beauty things you can do to make yourself feel special. I can walk around all day and think, Nobody has any idea that I have a sparkly secret in my pants right now. It kind of took off after I wrote about it in my book, and now I have strangers coming up to me all the time like, ‘Oh, my God, I’m vagazzaled right now. Want to see?’ I’m like, ‘No, I don’t, but congratulations.’”

When asked if she still adorns her “hoo-ha” these days she answered as though she was thinking, ‘I thought you’d never ask!’ She replied, “I do. I was vagazzaled for my Maxim shoot.”

Scha-wing. Just what MAXIM readers want to read, sure. But remember Jennifer, your future ex-husband and mother-in-law are reading this crap too. Why not get a megahorn and shout it out on Hollywood Boulevard like all the other crazies? Egad.

As for the infamous cleavage, she says, “It’s horrible to say it, but I like my boobs. They’ve always served me well. They’re good.”

That’s what HE said. And him, and him, and him…

Now onto the stripper side of Hewitt, because there is one apparently. She has recently discovered pole dancing and thinks it could be a great way to spice up her sex life and possibly land a tattooed unemployed loser with herpes husband. MAXIM asked her if she had any “special skills” and Hewitt couldn’t wait to divulge. ”Pole dancing. It’s a great way to stay in touch with your sexuality. I also love to cook, so I can have a cake in the oven while I do a pole dance.”

Looks like someone has been reading a few too many Courtney Stodden tweets. Good luck finding a husband, doll.