Tool, Puscifer Singer Maynard James Keenan Shares His ‘End Of Days’ Advice

Maynard James Keenan can add “Columnist” to his resume, because the singer has scored a deal with the Phoenix New Times to contribute a bi-weekly column to the newspaper and its readers.

His first work for the paper was published Monday and was titled “These Are The ‘End Of Days’”, where the singer of Puscifer (and Tool, and A Perfect Circle) talks a bit about winemaking, and also about the possibility of a 2012 apocalypse.

In a tongue-in-cheek fashion, Maynard writes about the possible upcoming “end of days” and talks about how he sees himself as a “Chicken Little-type” person.

“The inherent problem with being a Chicken Little-type person is that if or when the sky ever falls, I’ll be too flattened to snip ‘See? I told ya so!’ And although I live near Sedona, I possess no crystal ball, and any Tarot cards I may have owned have certainly all been shredded in the spokes of my long retired banana seat Huffy.”

He goes on to say, “There’s an old saying I like to mumble under my breathe during psyche evaluations. ‘Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not being followed.’ Conclusion: Based on my clearly tireless and thorough research stretched over tens of minutes, I have come to the following daunting conclusion and well thought out suggestion. These are in fact the ‘End Of Days’ and people need to know about it As Soon As Possible!”

Luckily for us, Maynard cares deeply about his fans and readers of the Phoenix New Times, and offers us all a suggestion for dealing with the “end of days” nearing.

“Obviously the only rational thing to do is to clear out all of your bank accounts and send me a cashier’s check for the full amount. These funds will assist in further delivering this message to the rest of the world. There isn’t enough time to sell all of your possessions. So along with that cashiers check, I’m gonna need to you to go ahead and send along a detailed list of all your assets, toys, deeds, to any real estate, patents pending, etc. Please include high resolution photos. I can’t be bothered to Google image each and every one of them. Not enough time.”

And with that, he signs off, “Chicken Little out.”

Ha! This guy. Love him.

To read the full piece, check it out at Phoenix New Times.