Today’s dilemma: My flatmate’s habits are so annoying that I want to take revenge. Should I?
Beth says: Revenge comes in many packages. For me the greatest revenge of all is having a happy adulthood, waking up in my gorgeous turquoise bedroom in the morning beside a person who really inspires me. That’s the best revenge a girl-loving-girl from the Bible belt could possibly have. And, importantly, it’s healthy. I’m a great believer in karma and the vengeance that it serves up to those who are deliberately mean is generally enough for me.
I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought of putting hair-remover in a shampoo bottle, or eating the last piece of pie belonging to a flatmate who never put the toilet seat down. Usually, though, acting on these urges only perpetuates the situation and sends you along an unhealthy path.
That said, I have experienced a few situations where a little cold, calculated retaliation seemed appropriate. For instance, I once purposefully puked on some homophobic boys on a boat. This probably wasn’t the healthiest approach, but I considered it a political tactic more than a revenge per se, and it was certainly effective! Even in that situation, I’d still say the question – to puke, or not to puke? – was up for debate, but it did give me an instant feeling of relief, and I can’t say I’ve ever regretted it.
In that instance, the boys weren’t friends of mine. Your flatmate is presumably someone you once liked, or indeed still like – it’s just that some of their habits have riled you. The truth is that thoughts of revenge stir only when irrational feelings have taken over, and, frankly, you’re not going to resolve your problem any more quickly by making reactionary jabs at the culprit. If this is a person with whom you have daily contact, then the ultimate goal must surely be to get along. Revenge can feel great, momentarily, but it is a simple reaction to a complex emotional situation and can provide only a bittersweet, temporary fix for your hurt feelings.
After all, if you do take your revenge, what happens when the deed that got you into this predicament recurs? And, let me tell you, it will. Maybe it won’t be the same person who annoys you in this way, but someone else will. Are you just going to keep eating other people’s pie or keying cars your whole life? No way! Why should you be stuck with type 2 diabetes and a criminal record just because someone else can’t learn to put the toilet seat down or keep their mouth shut? If there’s a hole in the bucket you don’t refill it and run from the well faster – you mend the hole and carry every last drop safe and sound.
You need to make the choice now to be an adult about this. Rather than spending time thinking of ever more malicious ways to get back at your friend, use this energy to clear the air. Prepare what you want to say, and how you would like to hear this sort of news yourself, and then carefully bring up the problem. If you have laid the foundation for an adult conversation, it should go well and, hopefully, the problem won’t arise again. No revenge necessary. Remember, the most important thing is always to keep the lines of communication open – however funny it might sometimes be to imagine your friend/enemy brushing their teeth with hemmorhoid cream!
