Mini-Me Sex Tape: Avert Your Eyes

The list of celebrities who have sex tapes is getting longer and longer these days. Now you can add Verne Troyer to that list.

I don’t think I can top how TMZ described the tape . . “like a natural childbirth in reverse.”

Ha!

A jury has found R. Kelly not guilty of fourteen counts of child pornography.

Kelly - who has long been rumored to be sexually “into” young girls - has denied that it is him in the video with the 13-year-old girl, six years ago. The victim also denied it was her in the film even though numerous witnesses claim that both Kelly and the victim were indeed the ones in the footage.

Unbelievable.

Brooke Hogan recently spoke with E! channel’s Michael Yo (off-air) about her mother’s relationship with a boy man who is 29-years younger.

“I’m totally freaked out,” she admitted. “I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support.”

The blond youngster whom Linda has sunk her meathooks into is Charley Hill, 19 - a former classmate of Brooke and Nick’s!

“I went to school with him. He was a grade under me. Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us.”

Brooke also confessed that she is struggling to deal with all the scandal that has been tearing her family apart.

She said, “I am just staying the course and dealing with it and supporting my family. I’m actually on my way to see Nick now. You know, I thought we were one of the normal Hollywood families. It’s crazy watching it all fall apart, but I hope for the best.”

Ok, first off. The age. I’m not usually bothered too much by age differences, but it’s obvious that Linda is trying to jump start her stale sex-life or she is trying to prove something. Most likely both. She wants to prove that she still “has it” and is still a hot commodity. I highly doubt she actually has a connection with a 19-year old. I mean, c’mon, she’s pushing 50. It’s all about the dick, baby.

And doesn’t Gnarly Charley looks like a 19-year-old Hulkster!? Kinda creepy - although not quite as creepy as Hulk dating a chick that looks like his daughter’s twin I suppose!

[Below: Hulk talks to Larry King about Nick and God]

It was Hugh Hefner’s 82nd birthday in April and as you know, every year the babes come running to wish him well.

This year’s big birthday present to to the Playboy mogul was Pamela Anderson, completely naked, in a cake.

So just how did Hefner’s ladies like the surprise?

They LOVED it.

Kendra Wilkinson said, “I think it was the perfect surprise for him. Come on, Pam Anderson, walking out with a cake naked. What can get better than that?”

Main squeeze Holly Madison chimed in, “I felt like I shouldn’t look because I know her, and she walked out naked! So I was, like, looking around, trying not to look there!”

But don’t be mistaken, the girls gave Hef sexy gifts as well. “We gave him chocolate body parts,” Wilkinson said. “We molded our body parts and gave it to him, and he ate them all. I molded my ass, so I could call it ‘chocolate starfish. It was white chocolate, and I put a dark chocolate little thing right in the middle. You’ll see it on the show coming up.”

“I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in.”

- Kate Beckinsale says she is too good at sex to know how to cook.

Ok, so this isn’t the first story about Lindsay Lohan supposedly porking some guy’s brains out in a bathroom, but at least it wasn’t in rehab this time.

Bobby Brown’s son Landon is blabbing to the world that he stuck it to the freckled actress in a public bathroom.

He says,

Hmmm . . .who actually believes this dude? For some reason I think he’s full of shit! I mean, I know Lindsay is a dirty little whore, but I’m not buying it.

Landon also made it known to the National Enquirer that he wouldn’t mind tapping that a second time. He says, “I’m actually trying to get back in touch with her – really soon.”

Good luck with that, dude.

R. Kelly’s trial is finally underway after 6 years of his attorneys successfully delaying the court process.

Opening arguments were Tuesday and Kelly’s legal team claims that the man in the video couldn’t possibly be their client as he has a prominent mole on his back. They claim the mole has been there since Kelly’s childhood. No mole is seen on the back of the man appearing in the video.

Mole-y! Mole-y! Mole-y!!

“There is no mole on his back,” said Sam Adam Jr., a member of Kelly’s defense team. “Robert Kelly is not on that tape. Not a single witness can tell you that is him on the tape.”

The girl in the questionable film, who is now of legal age, also claims that it’s not her in the video. The defense says that woman is actually a prostitute seen accepting money at the beginning and end of the video.

The couple engage in sexual acts on a bearskin rug and later the female dances and calls the male, “Daddy.”

Prosecutors claim the video was set up by R. Kelly and could have longterm effects on the victim. “A child doesn’t choose to be violated and placed on a videotape, a videotape that will live on forever - long after this child becomes an adult,” Cook County prosecutor Shauna Boliker said.

Kelly faces 15 years in prison if convicted.

Adnan Ghalib, the photographer who leeched onto Britney Spears during the midst of her apparent breakdown, claims to have a sex tape with the pop star and is shopping around for the highest bidder.

Of course he is. Like this is some sort of surprise? We all knew he was using her, and Britney was just dumb, or ill, enough to let him.

The tape is reportedly over two hours long and contains about 20 minutes of actual sex, the rest is stripping and foreplay. Britney wears her infamous pink wig throughout the film and strips down to nothing.  When Adnan asks her to remove the wig Britney says, “Take what off? There’s nothing left to take off.”

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

The tape was supposedly filmed while the two ran off to Mexico back in January.

You know, it’s actually surprising that a Britney sex tape has never been leaked. Yeah, we have all seen her famous clamato, but not in action. I’m still surprised Federline never stooped to that level and leaked a tape. I guess he didn’t have to though, he just knocked her up instead. The ultimate meal ticket for the celebrity parasite. I hope this rumor isn’t true though, because just the thought of Brit and Adnan doing the nasty is enough for me to hurl…let alone watching it. And yes, if it is real, I’ll have to watch it. Dammit.

Heh.

John Mater Mayer has been putting the wood to Jennifer Aniston, and according to reports, her mood has finally changed for the better.

One source described Jennifer’s new attitude, “She’s just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character.” Well, yeah, he’s finally getting some!

So why exactly is Jen on Cloud 9? Because according to John’s exes, he has a “certain feature” that is amazing. And watch out - he also knows how to use it. One of his exes said, “His body actually is a wonderland.”

Enjoy the ride, Jen, because once John gets bored he moves on. I think he might just be ‘taking one for the team’ here. Heh. I wonder how long it will be before he and Kate Hudson hook up?

In the latest issue of Radar magazine, Spencer Pratt’s advice column ‘Yo, Spencer!’ gets a little dirty.

YO SPENCER! How long do you have to date someone before it’s appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?

If you’re dating a guy, right away. If you’re dating girl, I think you’ll know pretty quick if she’s into that. If they’re not bringing it up, it’s not something on their agenda. That’s just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, “If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it’s cool.”

Ok, this is almost too much. Spencer talking about anal is pretty raunch. But lo and behold, even when talking about something this foul, Spencer always finds a way to drop hints about how cool he is. “My boxing coach says…” In other words, “Hey everyone, I just started boxing this week, and I want everyone to know because it ups my hip factor.”

Poor Spencer, I don’t know if there is anyone out there who tries harder…