Celebrity Smack! Gossip & Entertainment Blog » Snark Attack!

Snark Attack!

Shark — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 04:40:18 +0000

If you live in the Midwest, you know this has been the most brutal winter I can remember. It’s snowing again as I write this. The state has run out of salt, the roads are shredded to hell, and because the economy sucks, no one can take a vacation. So this means we get a real sweet spring, summer and fall, right? You know what they say; cold-water fish (esp. Shark) is healthier for you, so BITE ME!!!

Kate Hudson, do us all a favor and get Ryder a HAIRCUT! You’re giving him a complex and you don’t even know it. Last year I waited on this obnoxious family, and I was taking their order, and I said, “What are the two little girls having for dinner?” The Mom got pissed at me, pointed to one of them and said, “That one is my son.” No joke. This kid looked like an identical twin to his sister, with his long black hair styled just like hers. He is SO gonna get his ass kicked in school. By the kids with the big-ass afros.

Lindsay Lohan is out of her mind to even think that she could come close to looking as phenomenal now as Marilyn did then. Paris Hilton could’ve done a better job, but that ain’t saying much. And Hef, if you’re serious about putting that freckled freak in Playboy, you’re gonna have to fire up every last airbrush in the shop.

Didn’t Natalie Portman say recently that she’d like to switch teams? Scarlett ain’t a bad place to start, honey. Here’s a word of advice, though; ScarJo wears the blonde well, but you don’t.

There are three ways to get rich in America; an inheritance, winning the lottery, or suing someone. Wait a second, there’s a fourth; pimp out your kid(s) on a reality show. I’d rather sue someone.

Gene Simmons, dude, no. So you boned over 3,000 chicks when you were with KISS, and you’ve got the Polaroids to prove it. I’ll take your word for it, OK?

Eddie Van Halen claims that Val cheated first, huh? Ed, you’re a guitar god, but who the f*ck are you trying to kid? Especially when you had fluffers in your tour rider.

Aaron Carter gets busted for weed. I’ll say it again; needle-dick-bug-f*cker. I can’t believe this is the guy that Hillary Duff + Lindsay Lohan had that whole catfight over. Well, yeah I can, because Hil went out with Joel Madden and Linz f*cked everyone else in Hollywood.

So, Prince needs a hip replacement. I stuck him in Siberia along with bunch of other f*ckheads, but I’m sending him this one message; KARMA’S A BITCH, AND SO ARE YOU.

I’d like to see them airbrush Mariah Carey until she’s GONE.

So now Larry Birkhead has to hit up Dannielynn for an allowance. Cute.

Lisa Marie, stop your bitching. If the shoe fits… I take that back. Maybe it doesn’t fit now. Heh.

Nobody puts Swayze in a corner. My favorite movie line of his is from ‘Roadhouse’, where he tells his team of bouncers, “I want you to be nice… until it’s time to not be nice.” I hope he pulls through this. He seems like a genuinely decent dude among the parade of Hollywood jerks.

Rest assured, Rihanna, I love your booty, too. And everything else that goes with it.

Did you see that whole story about this golfer named Tripp that deliberately killed a hawk that was ‘disturbing’ his game? And now he’s apologizing. Tripp, F*CK YOU, OK? You should share the same cell as Michael Vick.

I’m going out of town for a little while, and I’ll be back on the 18^th. It’s only Oklahoma, but I’m just glad to get away from the f*cking job for a week. Have fun, bitches.

—–Shark—–

Past Smacks

Snark Attack!

Shark — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 00:23:14 +0000

Tried my hand at hibernating, and I kept waking up with wood. Heh.

So, the writer’s strike is finally over. I’m glad I’ll have a choice between shitty reality shows and shitty sitcoms.

Man, if Eva Mendes has to go to rehab, I say EVERYONE has to go.

Snopp Dogg on ‘medical’ mary-jane, huh? Like Amy Winehouse on medical smack, or Tom Sizemore on medical coke.

The Spice Girls shut down their world tour, further proving that the 15 minute clock does work when you need it.

Larry Birkhead needs to stop using The Truman Show as a blueprint for Dannielynn’s life.

Bobby Brown, you’re no Charley Pride.

Tom Jones insuring his chest hair is like Beyonce insuring her weave.

Beyonce needs to scrub some floors and go through some big-time hard times before she should be able to share a stage with Tina Turner. Delusional bitch.

Kathleen Turner once said that if a guy didn’t find her attractive, that he was definitely gay. Listen, I’m the Shark, and I’d sooner walk in a f*cking hailstorm than get up in her crusty britches.

I love it when old former junkies like Keith Richards and Natalie Cole try to lecture Amy Winehouse on getting her shit together. What’s the matter, guys, don’t like to see your faults in other people?

Jane Fonda’s next gig; being interviewed by Ann Coulter. That would be fun. Two c*nts in the same room? Somebody crack a window!

The last thing Farrah Fawcett needs right now is for her son to get a DUI. Nice to see the family helping out.

Gary Coleman, what the hell are you holding out for? Would you mind explaining that? I can’t get my head around it. BTW, if you want to hang onto your marriage, I’ve got two words for you; anger management. Get it done. And your wife doesn’t want to be known solely as ‘Gary Coleman’s Wife’? Honey, you will never be known for anything else. EVER. You are branded with that shit.

Somebody tell me what the f*ck is going on with all these shootings lately?! Since when did sanity become optional for some people? Here’s the deal; if the girlfriend breaks up with you, GET OVER IT. If you get fired from your job, maybe it’s because you weren’t a good worker. If you flunked a test in school, maybe you need to study a little more. It’s called accountability, grasshopper; look into it. Now I’m not one to piss on the constitution, but we could use a little more gun control in this country. Sort of like, if you are on anti-depressants or anything like that, YOU DON’T GET TO BUY A GUN. EVER. On that note, sweet dreams, bitches!

—–Shark—–

(Note from Spicy: Sorry this wasn’t up yesterday, I’m slacking!)

Past Smacks

Snark Attack!

Shark — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 08:00:27 +0000

Shark’s got a cold this week, and I’m just glad I don’t have to do any talking here. That doesn’t mean I’ll shut up. Nor will I EVER shut up. You can bet the farm on that sh*t. Last time I looked, it was an AMERICAN flag flying in my neighborhood. So all you haters out there, keep on, because it just fuels my fire.

Finally, the police take action against the out-of-control paparazzi. Now some of you might think that certain celebs might be inviting the attention, and in some cases playing the game for all it’s worth, but when the paps start causing trouble on the road, that makes me want to hang the f*ckers by their camera straps. Freedom of the press, MY ASS. That’s part of our constitution so the press could say what they wanted about the government without retribution, not so they could get up in everyone’s faces and violate their personal space just for a spot on the front page of US Weekly. Chris Martin is right, these guys have zero respect, and if they don’t watch out, more people will take them down to the pavement.

What’s up with all the pregnancies? It’s just more diapers in landfills, my friends. In Angelina’s case, twice as many. Including her own. Heh.

Fabio, you are full of it. Maybe Clooney couldn’t get over how retro-80’s you look, and how you built a career despite being a talentless hack. Maybe you’re jealous of George and how he gets more quality tail than you. But then again, you probably screw anything on two legs just to prove you can.

So Jenna Jameson quit porn, huh? Way to bite the dick that f*cks you. What’s next; finding Jesus? Don’t be such a hypocrite. Just own up to your spread-leg-acy and don’t ruin the party for the rest of us.

So, P. Diddy wants to change his name again, huh? Having a little identity crisis, Sean? Here, let me help. You are a raging egomaniac a**hole who hasn’t had a hit in ten years, and any of those so-called ‘hits’ involved putting new beats over old tunes. Original AND genius. Gimme a break. Your only real claim to fame was being Biggie’s little sidekick. You are one misstep away from an exile, and the way I’m feeling, it would take a light breeze to make that happen. So, my new name for you is… Piddy. As in, I Piddy the fool.

Add Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger to my many reasons why drugs are a tragedy waiting to happen. It sickens me that they could’ve had a long, healthy life and prosperous career, and now we can only wonder.

It’s cold as hell here in Chicagoland, but that’s OK, because it makes us appreciate when it’s 20 out. It also makes us appreciate pro-rated gas bills, even when you’re paying $70 a month in the middle of summer. Good times.

—–Shark—–

Past Smacks

Snark Attack!

Shark — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 09:43:35 +0000

THE SNARK ATTACK IS BACK!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water… Hello again, my pretties. Anyone break any resolutions yet? If not, you should. Just make some goals, and work on them little by little. The idea is not to quit bad habits cold turkey, but to phase them out. Good thing I have a workout room two doors down, because I hate health clubs. Mainly because I’m not into seeing other men parade their junk around the locker room. Maybe John Travolta is, but Shark is a certified horn-dog, and to quote Tone-Loc, “I don’t mess around with no Oscar Mayer Wiener.” Funky Cold Medina, motherf***er.

I’d like to see a lot less train-wrecks and a lot more got-their-sh*t-togethers. I’m sick of reading about the latest f**k-up, like it’s the in-thing. Or like it’s free publicity. BULLSH*T. There’s a hidden cost to that, and it’s called your fan base.

Lindsay Lohan manages to keep her name in the news without going off the rails. She ought to put a revolving door in front of her bed. Does that make her a slut? I don’t know, because no one’s complaining about rockstars nailing groupies on tour. And since when did a few swigs of champagne on New Year’s Eve count as a relapse? Big f**king deal. I pounded half a bottle one time, and no one said shit to me. Not that I can remember…

Flavor Of Love, Shot At Love, Rock Of Love, My Fair Brady and The Two Coreys are all returning. First off, let’s see if Tila can line up a bigger parade of douchebags than the last time. And who said it best when they roasted Flav; “You sold out quicker than the I-Phone!” All those whores that threw themselves at his feet would’ve just as easily f**ked a circus clown. Like I said before, guys, I ain’t watching this shit just like I ain’t watching Springer or Povich, so have fun. On a side note, I heard that Chris Knight wanted a separation after Adrienne posed for lezzo pics as a present for him. What a douchebag. Dude, you have the hottest bitch for a wife, she’s mad for you, and you do nothing but complain. If I were in your shoes, I would shut up and lick her into a coma.

Kumari Fulbright, you have pulled of the impossible task of making Nick Nolte look good. Was the meth worth it? Looks like the Fulbright award takes on a new meaning now.

Hey, Sebastian Bach, the least you could’ve done is warn everyone that you were thinking of making a record in the first place. Almost 85,000 spammers don’t really count as friends, do they? BTW, here’s a tip; use MySpace to sell your music direct with the Snocap service. Try a little innovation and quit bitching.

Dorothy Hamill was, and still is, an absolute doll. I hope she beats the cancer soon.

It’s fun to watch Hollywood being paralyzed by the writer’s strike. Maybe while the writers are walking the picket lines, they should try coming up with some good shit instead of the crap we’ve grown accustomed to over the years. I really don’t miss the shit at all.

You know what’s been bugging me lately? The notion that guys like me (I’m 42) shouldn’t be attracted to younger girls (18-30). Here’s my point; when you go to the grocery store, and you look for produce, do you get the fresh, ripe stuff, or do you deliberately get the shit that’s past the sell-by date? Enough said.

I’d love to give Pam Anderson a one-way ticket somewhere, but there isn’t anywhere in the world she hasn’t been to whore herself out. I’d stick her on some island, but you KNOW she could float away on her implants. The sad thing is, there are millions of guys around the world that STILL want to fuck the sh*t out of her. Makes me think that the caveman never really evolved.

Speaking of someone that never was the least bit useful in the first place… I’m gonna preface things by saying that I know that it’s an election year, and a lot of people are very charged up about their candidates. Everyone is entitled to vote for whoever they want, although I think a LOT of people vote the same way they choose a mate or a spouse; FOR ALL THE GODDAMN WRONG REASONS. I’ve made no secret of my support for Obama; say what you want, guys, NOTHING will sway me on this one. I’m not against Hillary because she’s a woman, she’s just not the right one in my eyes. If Michelle Obama ran for public office I’d vote for her in a nanosecond. So, the reason I’m bringing this up is because Roseanne Barr is now taking potshots at both Oprah and Obama. Since when did she become any authority on anything? You don’t like either O, fine, Roseanne, but I don’t see you committing your life to helping others. Maybe you inadvertently make people feel better about themselves when they see what a shrill pig you are, but that’s besides the point. If you have nothing better to offer, then SHUT UP.

So I broke my first resolution by watching a little bit of Celebrity Rehab. I really want to leave it alone, but it just blows my mind how people can just toss their lives away on drugs or booze. Life is much better when you’re clear-headed and you can take responsibility for your actions. Can you imagine Sharks if they were anything but totally lucid? I rest my case.

—–Shark—–

Past Smacks

Shark’s 2007 Feeding Frenzy

Shark — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 00:13:10 +0000

Well, bitches, I promised you a nice little cap on 2007, and I won’t disappoint. This is Shark’s Feeding Frenzy 07! You ever see one of those? Here’s the def straight from Wikipedia;

“Feeding frenzy is an ecological term used to describe a situation where oversaturation of a supply of food leads to rapid feeding by predatory animals. For example, a large school of fish can cause nearby sharks to enter a feeding frenzy.”

Now you know you’ve made it when your picture is next to the word in the dictionary. In this case, it’s a glut of celeb crap that deserves to be dealt with in a manner befitting… ME. BTW, I also looked up ‘feeding frenzy’ on YouTube, and they had this video. The music was perfect, and it’s now my theme song. Check it out:

YouTube – ‘Feeding Frenzy’

And now for the main event. Tie down all loose objects.

For the new year, I’m making a firm resolution not to watch a single reality show. I am SO F**KING SICK OF IT. They all look like bastard sons of the Jerry Springer show. And now we’re supposed to get hammered with more of it because of the writer’s strike. Considering that the producers are a bunch greedy fucks anyway, I say we boycott all of it so they all lose their jobs and have to go back to selling used cars.

Funny how we don’t hear about Anna Nicole Smith anymore. Being dead will do that to you. That was definitely the celebrity shocker of the year. I found out about it when I was on vacation in Austria, and I remember just being stunned. Now that everyone’s pretty much picked over her carcass, all I hope is that Larry Birkhead + Dannielynn have a great life, and that I never have to hear about Howard K. Stern again.

I took care of Britney Spears two weeks early, and you all know where I stand. I’m only saying something here because I’m recapping everything 07, and she was the biggest loser of the year. I say we all just ignore her for 08, so that she fades away. I’m done wasting space on you, Brit.

Hey, can everyone stop getting knocked up in 08? Damn. Just one year. Can we all try to make that happen? I know babies are cute and all, but they grow up to be assholes like the rest of us.

07 seemed like the year that everyone got f**ked up, went to rehab, sobered up for a day, found God, then fell off the wagon even harder, probably talking to the porcelain god more often than the real one. Here’s a great way to stay off drugs; DON’T START. It works for me. It’s also a great resolution; stay clean, guys. You can’t hit the bull’s-eye when you can’t see it.

I’m noticing a real disturbing trend here, and it’s called second-hand fame. You know, the Dina Lohans of the world, who try to get famous on their own merits once they’ve ridden someone else’s coattails up to that point. Riley Giles, you sure snowboarded all over Lindsay’s coattails, now get a life.

This sure was the year for people to lose their careers because they didn’t know how to shut up. Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Don Imus, Dog Chapman, Isaiah Washington; did I leave anyone out? There’s enough backpedaling with those guys to power Cleveland for a day or two.

Ellen, why would you adopt dogs in the first place when you’re into the pussy?

Hogan Knows Best, huh? Could’ve fooled me.

Some of you may wonder why I haven’t exiled Nick Hogan by now. I understand, guys, and one of these days I’ll do the deed, but he makes the greatest punching bag right now, and with criminal charges on his head, I’ve got a front row seat.

That brings me to the 07 special edition of the exile room. I feel like an upgrade today. Let’s have them WALK THE PLANK. Right into the feeding frenzy you saw on the video above. Alright, boys, let’s take care of business!

Prince, you are first up. You know, I used to be a fan. Then you tested my patience with all that ‘symbol’ BS. Then going Jehovah’s Witness on us. I’m really not buying it, pal. If you really mean it, take all your royalties from Darling Nikki and send them to the Watchtower. Put your money where your dirty mouth is. Then came the capper; getting copyright paranoia. Suing a large entity for infringement is one thing, but going after fansites and suburban Moms making home vids of their kids dancing to your music… What’s the matter, P? The well running dry? Yeah, in more ways than one. Looks like lightning has a better chance of striking than inspiration does. Wishful thinking on my part. I called for a boycott, and I won’t back down. You have outlived your usefulness, so Prince, YOU ARE EXILED!!! Start walking until I hear the splashdown.

Brandon Davis, we are having a greased pig roast just for you. Grandson of an oil baron, huh? Too bad you’ve pissed away your birthright. You can only get so far in Tinseltown with Paris Hilton as your only reference. You are what an old friend would call a useless piece of protoplasm. Well, I’m not having you walk the plank because I don’t want another Exxon Valdez. Brandon Davis, you are not only EXILED, you are being skewered over the pit.

Janice Dickinson. This is gonna be sweet. JD, back in the 70’s, you were a fine little bitch. You are living proof that looks get old no matter how much you nip + tuck. Carving out a niche for one’s self takes on a whole new meaning. Your attitude stinks like your worn-out snatch. Now I’m not the biggest Tyra Banks fan, but she’s the only reason you’re even in the public eye right now, you ungrateful bitch. I’ve never seen a Joan Rivers wanna-be quite like you. BTW, the first supermodel was Twiggy, and at least she had some class. Even Gia beat you to the punch. You want to be miserable, well, do it on your own fucking time. Janice Dickinson, you are EXILED!!!

File this one under ‘delusional f**khead of the year’; Dustin Diamond. Someone who is more hated than Paris Hilton and Johnny Fairplay COMBINED. Someone who made us forget that he used to be Screech, and how we all look back now and wonder what happened to that nice guy. Did anyone buy that sex tape of yours, besides the same shitheads that bought your t-shirts to help you save your house? Since being on Celebrity Fit Club, your phone must be ringing off the hook. With threats of one kind or another. I would’ve paid money to see Harvey just tear your ass apart. Well, I don’t hear any bells saving your sorry ass, and I’m about to foreclose on your house AND your smug mug. Dustin Diamond, you are EXILED!!!

You know the biggest disappointment of 2007 for me is this; not only did no one keep any resolutions, most of them said F*CK IT and didn’t make any resolutions to begin with. That’s the way it felt. That’s why I’m here to help. I’m swimming the extra mile on this one; I’m making resolutions for some of my favorite bitches, so they can quit being lazy and have some goals in life. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Amy Winehouse, your resolution is to just keep doing what you’re doing. You are on the fast track to becoming the Anna Nicole Smith of 08, and it looks like you’ve pulled out all the stops.

Axl Rose, your resolution is to release Chinese Democracy and call it the biggest anti-climax since Britney lost her cherry.

Hulk Hogan, your resolution is to cut off everyone’s money and see if they can survive. Sort of like when a boat capsizes and the poor bastards have to swim like maniacs when they see me circling. Seeing their reactions is half the fun.

Danny Bonaduce, your resolution is to take a COLD shower, keep your clothes on, take a big bong hit and mellow the f**k out.

Lindsay Lohan, your resolution is to go back to red or brunette (all the way down), get married to Samantha, and shake Dina + Michael off your coattails. The Parent Trap, indeed.

Ann Coulter, your resolution is to keep being yourself so I can have a reason to keep hating you.

Barbra Streisand, your resolution is to retire before I do it for you.

Bruce Willis, your resolution is to stop making movies long enough to become a has-been.

Dane Cook, your resolution is to get a sense of humor.

Natalie Portman, Hayden P, Michelle Rodriguez, and any other hot actress that’s bi-curious, your resolution is to fulfill that idea with the cameras rolling.

Mariah Carey, your resolution is to NOT make an album this year. Give my ears a rest.

Megan Fox, your resolution is to stop talking about Brian. The rest of us would like to pretend he doesn’t exist.

To anyone I left out, your resolution is to be a little less boring. Heh. My resolution? To piss off a celeb so badly that I get name-checked in the news. That would be fun. Until then, guys, have a great 08, and if you go out partying tonight, think about getting a hotel room somewhere nearby instead of driving home wasted. Whatever it costs, it beats the cost of a DUI or an accident. Later!

—–Shark—–

Past Smacks

Shark’s X-Mas Grab-Bag

Shark — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 17:20:55 +0000

Happy holidays, bitches. Shark here, and I’ve got on my Santa suit, ready to hand out gifts to the ones I love, and for the rest of the f***ers, I didn’t forget you either. Don’t let your fingers dangle in the water.

First off, before anything, I’m really surprised that more attention hasn’t been paid to a cause that’s dear to my heart;

Can you believe that? Holy Moly. I think a need a moment or two. WOW. Eva, I would stuff your stockings, but you need to put them on first. I’m also inspired to give you a Christmas spanking, but I wonder which of us would enjoy it more.

BTW, going without fur means all the way down, honey. Heh.

There’s a long list of hotties that I would give the world, along with a backrub and a lingering kiss on the back of the neck; Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johanssen, Allesandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, Alicia Silverstone (although she doesn’t have any ‘meat’ on her bones), Jessica Biel, Fergie (f*** the haters; she’s got a slammin’ bod and a perfect ass), Megan Fox, Carmen Electra (the brunette one, not the blonde), Charlize, Elisha Cuthbert(I’ll forgive the Paris alliance for a small favor…), Hayden P, Hilary Duff (for turning into a real beauty while remaining a class act), Jessica Alba (despite getting knocked up), Kate Beckinsale, Kim Catrall (time is ticking, bitch, I need to scratch that itch), Kylie Minogue (for being a survivor AND for being hot), Mandy Moore (for being a HORNY little class act), Michelle Rodriguez (for giving new meaning to the term ‘jailbait’), Nicole Kidman (for the Vanity Fair cover), Petra Nemcova (for ditching that dumb-ass Blunt), and Rihanna (for upstaging Beyonce very nicely, and for being so damn fine).

Thanks to all of you for making me proud to be a Shark.

–Christmas Wrap-Up –

For Beyonce, I would like to give you the year off. That way, it ends up being a real gift to all of us.

To the Hogan family, here’s a case full of duct tape, so you can put your lives and careers together.

To Seal + Heidi Klum, get a room! It’s on me. Horny f***ers. All kidding aside, they are one awesome couple, and more couples should aspire to that level of love.

To Lindsay Lohan, an extended stay in Utah, along with some Hydrience #32 Hibiscus.

To Cisco Adler, a f***ing hammock to hold that shit.

To Criss Angel, a crewcut and a day or two away from Vegas.

To Dog Chapman, a 5 night stay in Harlem.

To Ellen DeGeneres, a basket full of puppies… ah, never mind.

To Farrah Fawcett, sincere wishes for a full recovery.

To Hilary Swank, a $500 gift card to In’N’Out Burger, a case of Bud, and a spliff the size of the Washington Monument. There is such a thing as too healthy.

To J. Lo., here’s hoping that you have a great new career as a Mom. You sure wore the last one out.

To Jamie Foxx, a new agent. Same with Cuba Gooding. Those Oscars are turning out to be a curse.

To Jennifer Love Hewitt, a treadmill. Start walkin’, babe.

To Michael Jackson, a one way ticket back to Dubai.

To Justin Timberlake, a challenge. Let’s tag-team the above-mentioned hotties. Last man standing wins.

To Karl Lagerfeld, a voyage back to earth.

To Kevin Federline, a legal defense fund. Whatever it takes for you to win the kids permanently.

To Mary-Kate + Ashley Olsen, a good look at the Chinese fur trade. That may just make you think twice about wearing pelts. Fur may have been necessary for survival before modern times, but now it’s just turned into the most cruel and inhumane industry on the planet. Boycott it. Yeah, let China get pissed; their trade options are shrinking, and the jobs should be here anyway.

To Owen Wilson, a home far away from Hollywood. Looks like Tinseltown’s snowstorm just sucked you right in and spit you back out. Do as much reefer as you want, but the hard stuff is bad news. You’re living proof. You almost weren’t, so get a grip and keep it.

To Michelle Rodriguez, a cell with a webcam in it.

To Paula Abdul, a nice long stay at Betty Ford. Time to come clean and get clean.

To Prince, a f***ing reality check, and a one way ticket back to First Avenue.

To Rosie O’Donnell, a one way ticket to Anchorage. Or anywhere that I don’t have to listen to you.

To Simon Cowell, a crowbar so your head can fit through the door.

To George W. Bush, when you’re done wasting the taxpayer‘s money on Iraq, a first floor apartment in New Orleans. In the St. Bernard Parish. And no vacation during hurricane season.

To Daniel Baldwin and Tom Sizemore, a year’s supply of will power.

I can’t figure out what to get Tyra Banks; a wig or a head shaving kit?

To Vince Vaughn, a shave and a haircut.

To Zac Efron, a big sloppy wet kiss. Yeah, right, pretty boy, dream on.

To a certain clueless bitch I exiled last week, I would give you a lump of coal, but you’d probably smoke it.

To Winona Ryder, a gift card for Macy’s. Use it this time, bitch!

Some of you may have figured it out by now; the ‘one-way ticket out of town’ is a nice little cousin to the more hardcore ‘exile’. Also, I’m gonna borrow from Monty Python and deliver ‘a boot to the head’ every now and then.

There are a few people I’ve left off my list here in favor of a little year-end dropkick off the side of the boat. That’s coming up next week. Don’t worry, this will be good. I’ll be passing some new legislation, and I’ll be voting some bitches off the island.

Good times.

—Shark—

Past Smacks

Snark Attack!

Shark — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 11:00:17 +0000

You know, guys, even Sharks, can have a bad week – and this last one was my turn. I’m better now, but damn. On top of that, I still have some stupid song stuck in my head. I sure didn’t ask for that shit. I didn’t ask for ice storms either, but I got ‘em, too.

So, you would think that if I’m not in the greatest frame of mind, certain people would know better than to piss me off. Well, some people are really f***ing stupid, and I’m done giving them the benefit of the doubt. That’s why I’m handing the current queen her walking papers.

Wanna take a wild guess?

You got it, Britney. I’m lining you up just right for this one. I was gonna wait until my Year Ender to end you, but you tripped my fuse, and I just snapped.

What did we do to deserve this? BAD BRITNEY. That’s what we got in return for loving that formerly fine ass of yours for years, even before it was legal. You were the original jailbait fantasy, and no one could help it. Those yummy brown eyes, that smile, those moves, your super-sexy ways. Everything about you was so right. Now it’s come to this, ten years down the line.

A lighter? You can’t just have one of your pathetic little sycophants pony up for it? Hello Alli, what’s the matter, bitch ain’t paying you the going rate these days? $780K a month sure ain’t buying anyone any brains. I don’t even know why you need a lighter anyway, because you can light your crack pipe with the flaming pile that your career has turned out to be.

Blackout? Try FLAME-OUT. The arc of that album’s path looks like the St. Louis Arch. The only reason it went as high as it did is because the record-buying public wanted to hear the sound of your last gasp for breath. I was so rooting for you to make a slamming comeback, but you pissed that away like a firehose.

Looks like you’re running out of nightspots to piss the rest away. What happened? Did you lock yourself out of the house again? Or did you lock yourself in when the judge called you out?

Your attitude is killing me, and it only took a year for you to slide down the rabbit hole past the point of no return. (That bunny must be thinking, ‘why drag me into this shit?’ Sorry, Bunner, I’m just making a point.)

You turned the corner into complete and total apathy, and what better evidence of that than your kids? That’s a real sad story, when the former pop princess who could do no wrong is now the deadbeat Mom of the year. So Merry F***ing Christmas, Britney Spears.

In Siberia.

That’s right, you are now EXILED!!! Do you see me getting a court order for that? Hell no, this is Shark Justice. Put that in your Hazelnut Frappucino and suck it.

Scott Baio, you need to take a chill pill and mellow out. Maybe you shouldn’t be surrounding yourself with people that get you so fired up. I don’t know, maybe you want to be miserable. That seems to be the way of the world lately. No one wants to take ownership of SHIT, while bitching about their lives. Cry me a f***ing river. And your parents have been together for 53 years? You sure didn’t seem to learn their secret while it was staring you in the face all that time. You’d better start getting it, or your marriage is gonna be just another Hollywood casualty.

Speaking of which, looks like you can start filing those papers now, Eva. Maybe now Tony will get some peace and f***ing quiet.

You ever take such a big dump that it gets its own birth certificate? Or maybe a defecate certificate? Born at the same time I died? Now I’ve got a good way to land America on the moon; I’ll just light a match.

Hasselhoff falls off. Hey Comedy Central, go ahead and roast him. He’s got enough fuel to burn for weeks.

Janice Dickinson, you are in line for an exiling, right behind Nick Hogan. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to mention someone else’s name in the same sentence as yours, your highness. Somebody bitch-slap her, please. Tyra? Naomi? Foxy Brown? If nothing else, just crumple up her tiara and stuff it in her mouth.

I may have to come up with something a little less severe than the exile. Something like the hetero male equivalent of a bitch-slap, or a caning. Let me go to work on this one. When I strike gold, you guys will be the first to know.

Jessica Alba is pregnant. Did the collective heart of red-blooded mankind sink like mine did? I need a drink.

“Your Honor, the prosecution would like to add another felony charge against R Kelly; Aggravated Mindf*** for the ‘Trapped In The Closet’ series.” “Motion Granted.”

Anyone really surprised at the whole steroid issue? I’m not. It’s as American as lying politicians, gay actors in the closet and revolving doors on rehab clinics. Where’s your apple pie now, motherf***er?

Next week, I get to put on my Santa suit and give out lumps of coal to all the celeb morons and bitches. As for all the hotties, I get to stuff their stockings. Heh.

—Shark—

Past Smacks

Snark Attack!

Shark — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 08:00:12 +0000

Fresh off the last blitz, and I can’t seem to blink before the traps fill up again.
Let’s see, who wandered into the zone this week? I’ll give you a hint; whatever I feast on, I leave their brains out of it because I’m not into eating SHIT.

RIP to Evel Knievel, even though he started this whole ‘jumping the shark’ BS. To the new generation of daredevils; don’t get any bright ideas.

John Travolta, now known as Re-Volta. What the hell is wrong with you, J? If I had a wife as hot as Kelly Preston, I would never leave the house. Well, almost. Hey, you know what this means, right? Kel gets equal time with a hot chick. Revenge is sweet, especially when I can watch.

Lindsay Lohan is a classic example of someone who needs the drugs to look better and make better choices.

Miss Hewitt should work on reducing the ‘unflattering angle’ quotient by staying neck-deep in the water. Which means I would have to keep MY head above water. Always something.

Ingrid, you’re no Nancy Kerrigan. Actually, you’re way hotter, but lying your pretty little ass off amounts to a dealbreaker.

The Writer’s Strike just goes to prove that management doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the people that they employ to put food in their mouths.

Britney Spears at #26, looking a little better than in recent months. I bet if they ran a brain scan on her, it wouldn’t look so cute.

Don Imus back on the air. This week’s guests include Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, and Dog Chapman.

Scott Weiland has about as much chance staying clean in L.A. as Amy Winehouse has of ever gaining any self-respect in this life.

Ozzy Osbourne had a garage sale this week. I’m sure it was hard to resist dusting off the old relics with his nose.

OK. I just saw the vid of Tyra ‘rapping’ to Alicia Keys. After that, K-Fed looks good.

Kiefer Sutherland, thanks for showing Hollywood how to do a DUI right. What a classy guy.

Thank you, Gary Dourdan, for going after those guys. I’m not sure how much longer the paparazzi can hide behind this ‘freedom of the press’ bullshit.

The holidays are almost 3 weeks away, and I’m looking forward to the 26th. It’s the one day of the year that you can feel the hot air going out of the balloon, and the relatives getting the hell off your back like a pack of monkeys.

I’ll save my year-end review for then, because it’s the best time to vent my spleen. You might want to fireproof yourselves. Heh.

-Shark

Past Smacks

Snark Attack!

Shark — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 12:00:14 +0000

I looked in the fridge today, and all the Thanksgiving leftovers are rotting nicely. That’s kinda how this 3 week round-up feels; freshly rotted. Bon appetit, bitches.

It looks like my shitlist has room for anyone and everyone who wants in, and the latest bitch in the cellblock is… DR. JAN F***ING ADAMS. Welcome to the jungle, you smug son-of-a-bitch. I can’t wait to see real-time karma at its best. I can just feel it ready to take care of business. My sympathies to the West family for not only having lost a great woman in her prime, but having to put up with a scumbag of a doctor that’s more interested in clearing his name than having any kind of remorse. As for Kanye, yeah, I know I’ve let loose on him in the past, but I have a lot of empathy for him right now. I’m very close to my Mom as well, and last year she was ‘this close’ to dying from a severe kidney infection. When I think of the grief he’s going through right now, it kills me

Michael Vick is sorry about one thing; that he got caught. No one can be that brutal and then all of a sudden be sorry. Give me a f***ing break. All I care is that he does his time, loses his career, and never sees another dog in his life. Aside from his cellmate. Heh.

Another shit for the list; Cedars-Sinai, for the Quaid twins O.D. Don’t get me started on hospitals, man. I’m really disgusted with the medical profession here in America. Everyone puts way too much faith in doctors, and I don’t see a whole lot of them doing much to earn their keep. It’s a lot like lawyers; overpriced and over-rated. I’d like to see the same thing happen to the medical and legal professions that’s happening to real estate; take an overblown market and let all the hot air out of it to see the real value of things.

Bimbo Of The Year goes to… Linda Bollea, for trying to upstage Nick. That’s a hardcore attention whore for ya. Brooke is starting to look like the brains of that outfit, even though she’ll never shake the daddy’s-little-girl syndrome.

The problem with Tyra Banks isn’t her hair, it’s that she comes off shrill as a fire alarm. Frankly, she seems like the biggest prude, and who needs that?

Hey, that reminds me; when was the last time I exiled someone? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? And I’m ready to bring that shit back. And it’s probably not who you think. I’m thinking that the distinction of an exile is for a has-been that doesn’t seem to know when to go the f*ck away, so I have to do the deed.

What can I say, I’m the Shark, it’s what I do best. So… I am formally exiling EDDIE MURPHY! This, for publicly disowning his daughter from the Mel B fling. Look, you asshole, there are enough deadbeat dads out there in this world, and the least you could do would be to MAN UP and take some responsibility. Mel B didn’t even ask you for child support; hell, she’s probably making more money than you right now, Mr. Shitty Movie King. Like Norbit isn’t enough to make me puke in my mouth. It’s a sad day when K-Fed makes you look like the shittiest dad ever, and your ex-girlfriend has a better career.

Dennis Rodman, if I see another story about you, you’re my next bitch.

Same with O.J., man. What a stupid motherf****er to go do a Vegas heist and think you wouldn’t get called on it. I hope the judge in this case tears the defense a new hole, and from the sound of things, she’s already making Ito look like the biggest pushover in the world.

Wow. Was it good for you, too? I need a smoke. Until next time, my pretties. BTW, in a few weeks I will be sounding off on 2007’s top shit in a nice little rant called “Shark’s Feeding Frenzy”. It’s my Xmas present to all of you, so be on the lookout for it. I’ve got a full tank of venom just waiting… -Shark

Past Smacks

Snark Attack!

Shark — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 07:01:41 +0000

Lock + load, baby, you know what time it is! I’m cutting straight to my favorite story of the week, because I’m just in one of those moods.

Nick Hogan is facing criminal charges related to his car accident. Yeah, motherf**ker! Whoever the prosecutor is in the case, I hope you don’t take a plea bargain, just because I want to see him sweat like the bitch he is. BTW, I hope Hulk doesn’t get a dime of insurance money for the Supra.

Dog is black. Did I miss something here? Did K-Fed give up the soul-brother crown? Hey, Dog, why don’t you go to the hood and see just how white you turned out? Or better yet, circle up with your team and ask Jesus what he thinks.

Marilyn Manson is totally over with. Too bad he still has a devoted core audience. A Manson concert is a surefire way to tell who the junkies, crackheads and meth-heads are in any given city.

Pete, Pete, Pete. You’re killing me. I take that back. You’re killing yourself, very very slowly. BTW, give my love to the cats.

I’ll say it again, loud + clear; BOYCOTT PRINCE!!! What a total asshole he turned out to be. Does anyone buy his records anymore, anyway? He hasn’t done anything worth a shit since Purple Rain. To paraphrase Dennis Miller, Prince’s head is so far up his ass, they’ll need to cut in switchback trails just to get to it.

Mandy is the new Brooke Shields of the dating world, ping-ponging from DJ’s to tennis players to Matt Perry, all while saving herself for the big day. As cute as she is, I think she’s just gonna stay a virgin for a good long time. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I just don’t understand how anyone can go without sex without going crazy.

I won’t be watching Idol, simply because I think Simon is one of the biggest assholes on TV. Not to mention having of the worst haircuts out there. Besides, with the exception of Kelly Clarkson, everyone that’s gone through those doors is a case of ‘where are they now?’

I’m still pissed that Radiohead fans wouldn’t pony up a dime for the downloads. Just goes to show how much of a something-for-nothing world we live in.

Katie Holmes sure cleaned up nicely after that marathon, but Tom’s cut is creeping me out lately.

Michael Jackson on the cover of Ebony. What, Dog wasn’t available?

Christina Ricci looks like Sigourney Weaver’s kid, if her kid was on speed.

So J Lo finally admitted she was pregnant. I’m always the last to know everything. Just another way for her to keep her name in the news. Not that she’s relevant anymore, but this world has a way of taking has-beens and propping them up way past the sell-by date. If you ask me, the fridge is starting to stink and needs to be cleaned out.

I’ve looked at old + new footage of Brit, and she DEFINITELY short-circuited somewhere along the way. Whether it was drugs, kids or K-Fed, who cares? The Brit we used to know and love is gone forever.

Katie Price, a fun fearless female? Listen, there’s nothing fun about that attention whore, and there’s a difference between fearless and tactless. Funny, but she’s tacky, tactless, vacant and coldly calculating all at the same time. Who knew a bimbo like that could multi-task?

I love what Lynn Spears said about Brit loving her kids “from the pit of her soul.” Nice choice of words, Ma. It’s definitely a pit these days.

Apparently the priest thought Conan was way younger than he actually is.

Mickey’s looking great without the botox. That ain’t saying much.

As I went to press, I heard that police raided Amy Winehouse’s crack den. I wonder if they got a contact high from walking in the front door.

Didn’t think I’d have much to say this week, but there’s always someone out there that trips my fuse, and I can’t help myself. Take it from me, folks, there’s never a shortage of blood in the water. At least not for long. Can’t wait for the holiday season to see who’s gonna make a complete ass of themselves.

-Shark