Lock + load, baby, you know what time it is! I’m cutting straight to my favorite story of the week, because I’m just in one of those moods.

Nick Hogan is facing criminal charges related to his car accident. Yeah, motherf**ker! Whoever the prosecutor is in the case, I hope you don’t take a plea bargain, just because I want to see him sweat like the bitch he is. BTW, I hope Hulk doesn’t get a dime of insurance money for the Supra.

Dog is black. Did I miss something here? Did K-Fed give up the soul-brother crown? Hey, Dog, why don’t you go to the hood and see just how white you turned out? Or better yet, circle up with your team and ask Jesus what he thinks.

Marilyn Manson is totally over with. Too bad he still has a devoted core audience. A Manson concert is a surefire way to tell who the junkies, crackheads and meth-heads are in any given city.

Pete, Pete, Pete. You’re killing me. I take that back. You’re killing yourself, very very slowly. BTW, give my love to the cats.

I’ll say it again, loud + clear; BOYCOTT PRINCE!!! What a total asshole he turned out to be. Does anyone buy his records anymore, anyway? He hasn’t done anything worth a shit since Purple Rain. To paraphrase Dennis Miller, Prince’s head is so far up his ass, they’ll need to cut in switchback trails just to get to it.

Mandy is the new Brooke Shields of the dating world, ping-ponging from DJ’s to tennis players to Matt Perry, all while saving herself for the big day. As cute as she is, I think she’s just gonna stay a virgin for a good long time. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I just don’t understand how anyone can go without sex without going crazy.

I won’t be watching Idol, simply because I think Simon is one of the biggest assholes on TV. Not to mention having of the worst haircuts out there. Besides, with the exception of Kelly Clarkson, everyone that’s gone through those doors is a case of ‘where are they now?’

I’m still pissed that Radiohead fans wouldn’t pony up a dime for the downloads. Just goes to show how much of a something-for-nothing world we live in.

Katie Holmes sure cleaned up nicely after that marathon, but Tom’s cut is creeping me out lately.

Michael Jackson on the cover of Ebony. What, Dog wasn’t available?

Christina Ricci looks like Sigourney Weaver’s kid, if her kid was on speed.

So J Lo finally admitted she was pregnant. I’m always the last to know everything. Just another way for her to keep her name in the news. Not that she’s relevant anymore, but this world has a way of taking has-beens and propping them up way past the sell-by date. If you ask me, the fridge is starting to stink and needs to be cleaned out.

I’ve looked at old + new footage of Brit, and she DEFINITELY short-circuited somewhere along the way. Whether it was drugs, kids or K-Fed, who cares? The Brit we used to know and love is gone forever.

Katie Price, a fun fearless female? Listen, there’s nothing fun about that attention whore, and there’s a difference between fearless and tactless. Funny, but she’s tacky, tactless, vacant and coldly calculating all at the same time. Who knew a bimbo like that could multi-task?

I love what Lynn Spears said about Brit loving her kids “from the pit of her soul.” Nice choice of words, Ma. It’s definitely a pit these days.

Apparently the priest thought Conan was way younger than he actually is.

Mickey’s looking great without the botox. That ain’t saying much.

As I went to press, I heard that police raided Amy Winehouse’s crack den. I wonder if they got a contact high from walking in the front door.

Didn’t think I’d have much to say this week, but there’s always someone out there that trips my fuse, and I can’t help myself. Take it from me, folks, there’s never a shortage of blood in the water. At least not for long. Can’t wait for the holiday season to see who’s gonna make a complete ass of themselves.

-Shark

Here we go again, my pretties!

You know, this week wasn’t the feeding frenzy I was hoping for, so I’m gonna start off with one of my favorite things right now.

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Tila Tequila’s “Shot At Love” is my favorite ‘reality’ show. That’s almost a weird way to say it, because I think all the other shows kinda suck. Some of you like “I Love New York”, but I’m so turned off by that bitch that I can’t watch the commercials for the show. Not that I’m a fan of all the stupid drama on Tila’s show, and most of the contestants are douchebags, but she’s so damn hot that I’m willing to stick it out (heh) just so I can see her in hot outfits or when she’s making out with the girls.

You have to admit, the premise of the show is wild. A bi-girl trying to choose between guys and girls. VERY HOT. This week, everyone gave her a massage, and Ashley the redneck f*ck-nut went ballistic when he was booted off. Funny, but he turned into a total girl, and he still couldn‘t get any play.

Nicole Richie is definitely outclassed by Hilary Duff, in every way. When the bad girl goes after the good girl, karma adds up. Let’s see how long Joel puts up with your lame anorexic ass and ultimately leaves you hanging with the kid.

Hopefully no one will watch Dina’s stupid reality show. The only reason she’s getting on is because of the looming writer’s strike. If that strike goes forward, we’ll see a lot more shitty reality shows. Gimme fiction.

Hey Nick, too bad your deal with Polaroid didn’t ‘develop’ like you’d hoped. You are the hot potato or the racing world, and now your Dad’s gonna go bankrupt. Looks like Hulk and his spend-happy bimbo wife are gonna be sleeping on Brooke’s couch pretty soon, while Nick sleeps out in the fucking doghouse with all the other pets in the Hogan zoo. Funny, but Nick is probably on the shortest leash there. If it were up to me, Nick would be in Michael Vick’s doghouse.

Does Playboy sell mags anymore? I stopped buying mags ever since I got a faster modem, and that was 9 years ago. Why do you think they call it a hard drive?

I won’t even look at Perez’s site just to see what all the fuss is about. Y’all know what I think of the little scumbag.

Yeah, Madonna is looking beat to shit these days. Further proof that looks get old.

Man, I would’ve never guessed that K-Fed would be Dad Of The Year. Think about it. When was the last time we saw him out + about? The glare of the spotlight brought out the worst in his ex, so maybe he came to his senses. Time will tell.

I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda sick of Amy Winehouse by now. If anyone acts surprised if she O.D.’s, they’re stupid.

Normally I’d say that Marisa needs more than a Band-Aid to patch up the hole in her career(which would be pretty damn funny), but I’m whipped. I still love her. Go ahead, call me pathetic; I don’t care. It’s my world, and you just live in it.

The last time Avril was relevant was when the whole Britney vs. Christina flap was going on. And Christina was the odds-on favorite for Hollywood train-wreck.

Tommy probably dropped the charges because he doesn’t ever want to see the inside of a courthouse again.

If spray tanning is Lindsay’s only vice now, I’ll let it slide, even though it looks like shit. I bet that’s not the only thing that gets sprayed on her. Heh.

Danny, WTF?! And no, I didn’t see the full pic. That would be patronizing Perez, who is probably beating off to it… Wait a sec. That would imply that Perez has a dick. Never mind.

You think that Brit’s the only girl in the world that fantasized about screwing a priest in the confessional? The Penthouse Forum archives are full of that shit. Unfortunately the priest wasn’t aroused because she wasn’t man enough.

Girl Power has now morphed into Cat Fight, and I’m sure Ginger + Scary are gonna have to work opposite ends of the stage to avoid killing each other. Jimmy Carter is presiding over the peace negotiations.

Seeing Owen + Kate get back together would be cute, but there’s only so much blond-on-blond action I can take.

It looks like Jason Davis is on the protein shake diet. Hey Gummi Bear, wipe the chin.

Rumer, you might want to work a little harder on that whole ‘presenting yourself’ angle.

Lane, welcome to the DUI brotherhood. You’re about to meet a whole bunch of other brotherhoods. Sleep tight.

Nice going, Dog. You beat that whole stupid-ass Mexican extradition charge, only to bury yourself with this. Backpedaling didn’t help Michael Richards, and it won’t help you.

Between Kate, Petra and Heidi, I need a moment. And a cigarette.

Hope everyone had an evil little Halloween. I had to work. Even Sharks have to pay the bills.

Shark does Celebrity Smack’s weekly round-up every Saturday! Bringing sarcasm and a man’s point of view!

What’s up, my friends? Shark here with the Snark Attack!, my weekly round-up of most of the postings here on Celebrity Smack.

I say MOST OF, because I really don’t have much to say about something like Sex & The City because I’m straight (although I’m still waiting for naked pics of Kim Cattrall from any time period). Nothing against S&TC, I’m just flatlined on it. You’ll still hear from me on the blog whenever I have something to say, but Spicy gave me the chance to spew forth in my own forum, so here it goes.

BTW, I’ll probably throw in some bits & pieces of things I’ve noticed in the news or around my part of the ocean. I give credit where credit is due, but I will shred the f*ck out of whoever deserves it.

• First off is the David Copperfield rape accusation.
  Now, I’m no fan of the guy, but I smell a shakedown by an obsessed fan who wants her time in the spotlight. We’ll see one way one the other if anything did happen, but I can already hear the stupid comments about him making his ‘magic wand’ disappear inside of her, etc. Let’s work on some original shit, dittoheads. And I don’t mean Beth Ditto-heads either, although she is a good singer. Just wouldn’t bang her. I’m not a fan of the whole ‘pick-a-fold-and-f**k-it’ mentality.
• Tara Reid has the whole peach-fuzz thing going on, which is fine as long as she doesn’t start sporting a moustache. That’s a deal-breaker like a sledgehammer. So are monster tit implants. Keep ‘em nice + pretty, because big tits aren’t really that feminine, and the chicks that sport them look like cartoon characters. Pam Anderson had the WRONG idea. And yeah, she is tweeked out. Where are her boys in all of this? Like K-Fed, Tommy Lee may look like a joker, but at least he gives a shit about the kids.
• Suri is a cute little bunny, but I think the paps are going too far when they gang up on celeb parents and scream out the kids’ names. What a bunch of douchebags. May Britney and Lindsay run them all over.
• I’ll say it again; for all the BS that went on before the Van Halen tour, I was just amazed that it even got off the ground, and things are going as good as they are. Eddie is like a kid up there, and he’s what, 52? The guy will die with his boots on. In the meantime, live long and play loud.
• The fires in California rage on, and I can’t stand to look at the footage that CNN insists on looping. What’s worse, Bush goes on today for some Katrina damage control and photo-ops. Whatever he does, he’d better not piss off the Governator. On to other things before I get sick from it.
• Kid Rock is the trouble magnet of the week. That scuffle with Tommy Lee didn’t seem to boost record sales, so he picks a waffle house out in Bumf*ck to have it out with some jealous boyfriend. Classy. Good mugshot, too.
• Spicy, thanks for the Soundgarden vid. Matt Cameron is a monster drummer. My fave tune of theirs was ‘Jesus Christ Pose.’ Looks like they blew Guns’N’Roses the f*ck off that stage. Which wasn’t hard to do, with all Axl’s BS.
• That is one f**ked-up pic of Perez Hilton. Any pic of him is f**ked up because he’s an ugly little bitch with nothing better to do than half-name himself after Paris(which makes him a full-fledged c*nt by association) and draw splooge on celeb pics. So when does mommy pick you up from kindergarten?
• What was that I said about being on Team Lohan? That’s what’s a bottle of red will do to ya. And the fact that she has a cute ass. Too bad it’s been tapped like a maple tree. The real home-wrecker is Riley, who let that shit happen in the first place. I’m sure Lindz didn’t seduce him, but there is room for the benefit of the doubt. But, y’know, what goes around, comes around. I’m sure he’ll bang another chick behind Lindz’s back, because punks like that have their line in the water waiting for the next little skank-ass to bite. Like my man David Lee Roth once sang, ‘No one’s above suspicion, no one’s got it wired.’ I can’t decide what she should ditch first, the punk or the blond hair. Go back to red, bitch.
• Whoever has the spotlight on J Lo, turn it OFF!! So she’s pregnant. I’m surprised she didn’t hire someone to carry the kid for her. She should call her next shitty CD ‘In Vitro’.
• I’m not big on marriage. Most people get married for all the wrong reasons. I’m not the marrying type. Having said that; Marie Osmond, will you marry me? I know you’re married, but you ARE from Utah.
• The 21st century odd couple. Corey Feldman minds every dust-speck while Haim can’t keep from shitting himself. Lovely.
• Tom Hanks, Daryl Hannah; so who’s next to promote green driving? Hell, Bo + Luke Duke ran the General Lee on moonshine, while Daisy sat around and looked pretty. Works for me.
• We need more half-naked Nicole Kidman pictorials! Full-on naked wouldn’t hurt, either. Ironic how I watched Eyes Wide Shut with the sound off.
• Can we have a vote on who is more brain-dead at this point; Nick Hogan or John? I know that sounds mean-spirited, but don’t tell me your evil little minds didn’t flash on that thought for a second. C’mon, this is the Shark here, talk to me. We’re not all here because we have angels sitting on our shoulders.
• OK, fine, Mariah Carey’s no trainwreck celeb, but I’m sick of her lame ass just the same. She loves the shit out of her champagne; how do you think she got all bloated out like that? Hey, Spicy, can you dig up ‘The Constipation Of Mimi’? I’m LMAO just thinking about it.
• Gisele(which means ‘horse’ in Brazilian) Bundchen wins the funbag compe-TIT-ion, even though I think she’s a self-absorbed bitch with no other redeeming qualities. Score one for Leo for coming to his senses. Yeah, a few years ago I was crushing on this local girl who looked great in a white t-shirt, but ended up being a total short-circuit case. Unfortunately you can’t detach a great pair from a lame brain.
• Janet Jackson’s looking great, so is Marisa Tomei. Two old crushes aging well. That’s tough to do when you’re in your late 30’s-early 40’s, because most chicks in my age group(42) are looking pretty beat + busted, but when the older hotties age better than a fine wine, you have to wonder what’s going on.
• Disney is better than ever. Gay leading men, slutty little leading ladies, shitty high school movies, Disneyworld about to go up in flames… Mickey Mouse is living a lie.
• John Travolta must be so proud. And inspired. Tit-jobs; strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
• Heidi Klum and Seal make a great package… Ahem, I meant COUPLE, but I didn’t need that visual, Heidi.
• What was it, 10 years ago that Ellen Degeneres came out, and now her career is going to the dogs. Heh.

Alright, already. Even a Shark has to come up for air. That’s it for this week. Gotta get back to scaring the shit out of beachgoers.

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‘Shark’ will be doing a weekly round-up every Saturday in Celebrity Smack’s new ‘Snark Attack!’