It’s been awhile since I have gotten a truly WTF e-mail, but lo and behold, two popped into my inbox recently. I have to admit, they were rather entertaining!

Some freak sent me a couple of e-mails claiming that Lindsay Lohan is his granddaughter, and was born to a 13-year-old mother. (He later says she was fourteen, but who’s counting?) He says his daughter was forced to have a child who was then sold to the Lohan family.

Cray-zay!

Here’s Email #1, which appears to have been originally written to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger:

GovernorArnold Schwarzenegger
State Capital Building
Sacremento, CA 95814

Re: Ms. Lindsay Lohan

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger:

Please Sir, I need your help. My thirteen year old daughter was forced to have a child, to be sold to the Lohans in 1986. I had no knowledge of this at the time, I had noticed how very much Lindsay looked like her, when the parent trap came out, but I did not find out for sure, from my daughter, that she was her Mother until last Nov. 08! We had been separated for the last eighteen years, just found her last year with people search. I am a Protestant German from PA, her Mother is Irish Catholic, my child was raised by her, the IRA threaten to kill me, in 1974, if I did not allow the new husband to adopt Cindy. I have informed the New York State Attorney Generals office, I think they have put a wire tap on Cindy’s phone, She is too terrified to talk to law enforcement about this matter,however. Cindy and her daughter, Lindsay Lohan, are innocent victims, and need to be protected from harm. I have sent enclosed letter with photo to my grandchild, as you know however, it can be very difficult to contact someone as famous as Her. Any help you can give in this endeavor will be greatly appreciated, my only wish is to see no harm comes to my daughter or my grandchild. God Bless you Sir!

Thank you,

Edward Williams

Enc: Letter to Lindsay Lohan
Phone 610-377-****
E-mail ****@verizon.net

Wow, huh? Well, it doesn’t end there, there’s another one and it’s even crazier. It’s a little longer, so if you want to read it, continue after the cut.

There was no attachment as the letter states.  Bummer.

Ms Lindsay Lohan
Att. Jason Slone
Sloane, Offer, Webber, Dern

Dear Lindsay,

Hello Lindsay, I have enclosed pictures of my daughter and myself, at her twelfth birthday, and when she was two weeks and nine weeks pregnant with you dear. (Nov. 20, 1983, Oct 13, 1985 and Dec. 7, 1985) Please see Attachment, To whom it may concern. Cindy Ann Bennett now works for J.P. Morgan Chase as an accountant, in lower Manhattan, NY. Her hair was red as in photo with sunglasses, but has now turned light brown. I send you this because you should know who she is, not to be cruel to her or you, I love her very much and wish only the best for both of you. I want nothing from you dear, only to tell you this story so that you will know what has gone on in my and your Mother’s life! I know this is hard to believe, but I swear it is all the truth! Take care Lindsay, God Bless you.

Best wishes,

Edward Williams

Attachment: To whom it may concern
Enclosure: Photos 6
Statement by Edward E. Williams to Family Court of the State of New York

In answer to the false statement of Richard O’Byrne, Dated February 20, 2009, I did call my child, Cindy Bennett, on or about 2/15/09 and left a message for her to please call me when she go a chance. I was not agitated or angry! She called me, and said I am not Lindsay Lohan’s mother, please do not call me again, I never want to see you again. My daughter’s was very angry with me, her mood had changed from our last talk ( Before that call, I had sent her a letter saying I would say I was mistaken about her having gotten pregnant, on or about 10/1/85, and that she was just fat, to get the wire tap off her phone.) I do care that she sold my only grandchild, but I love Cindy and always will no matter what she does,even though it makes me angry. About Richard O’Byrne, He took the phone, after I had spoken with Cindy for twenty minutes, said stop calling my wife, you are crazy, I hung up the phone as I did not want to say anything I would regret later. He called me two minutes later, again said stop calling my wife, I said I just want to know that Cindy is safe and well and that I wanted to meet him, and invited them to come to my home for a visit. He said that was what he wanted, we talked nice like that, but then He said that I had to stop all the crazy talk about Lindsay Lohan being Cindy’s child, I got angry and said in a loud voice “I am not going to let those people get away with what they did to Cindy, you scumbag! Note; See statment about whom has wiretap on phone, at no time did I ever say anything about the CIA, however, except when Cindy and I talked about a converted spy plane, an old russian Jet bomber. That I really, in truth, cannot speak about, but I just said america had converted the plane to a spy plane, nothing about the CIA.
What I said after I had called Cindy at work,(She asked me not to call her at work, so I said OK and hung up) then called that night and said never to call her again,I asked what is wrong doesn’t Richard want to have a German Protestant father-in-law? I, Edward Williams, have never threatened Richard O’Byrne, or Cindy Bennett and my daughter did have a child, that she became pregnant with on or about 10/1/85, and gave birth to on or about 7/1/86! I was in the service during the Vietnam war, but was never in Vietnam, however I did suffer several head wounds serving America, and was discharged under Honorable conditions. I apologize to my son-in-law for calling him a scumbag, as it is possible he does not know about Cindy having a child, when she was only fourteen years old. He did provoke me however, by calling me crazy! They have picked out letters, I have sent that may sound unusual, how can I get her to talk with the NY state Attorney with out upsetting her, attached are all the letters I have sent, except for a birthday card I sent with a gift I had made for Cindy by a goldsmith, she called and said she liked the gift, and we had a very plesant conversation! I feel my son-in-law does not want to have a protestant father-in-law!! I have told Cindy I do not care she sold her child, I do care, but I did not want to upset my child over this matter, or my grandchild, Lindsay has a new cut on her left wrist, I pray she will do herself no further harm! I sent Lindsay’s lawyer photos of Cindy when she was pregnant with Lindsay! Thank You your Honor.

So what I want to know is, is the person who wrote this a serious mental case/stalker who is serious about this, or is it someone just playin’? It sounds to me like it’s someone who is definitely not in their right mind. It’s actually a little freaky…

The Lohan’s bought Lindsay Lohan. How funny is that though? It would actually explain a lot!

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One of the best crazy emails I have received in awhile. Just had to share..

Hello dear Ladies and Gentlemen!

I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not dmn sexy),most important – CHRISTIAN young lady! I’ll tell you more,those clones (it’s not only one) made in GERMANY – world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that ”actress” career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett’s family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorized personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Original Scarlett never was engaged, by the way!

Her close friend Serge G.

P.S. CONTROLLING ACTIVITY OF ANY CLONES IS US MILITARY OPERATION.

H.R. 534, the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003, was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on February 5, 2003. After discussion, it was passed on February 27 by a vote of 241-155. It now moves on to the Senate for consideration. This bill makes it unlawful for any person or entity to perform or participate in human cloning, or to ship or receive embryos produced by human cloning. The penalties are imprisonment of up to 10 years and fines of $1 million or more. These now join other nations as diverse as Norway, Australia, and Germany, which had already added cloning for any purpose to their criminal code. And in Germany where it carries a penalty of five years imprisonment they know a thing or two about unethical science.

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This one is freaky…

“I’ve been hearing rumors from people that “Daniel Smith” is ACTUALLY the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s (his mother) NEW baby? This couldn’t be true, could it? I know that Anna and her son were close, but wouldn’t that be considered “incest”? That would explain why Anna’s lawyer, Howard Stern, was all of a sudden, claiming that the baby was his. A cover-up from preventing people from learning the truth?
I DON’T know. I’m NOT claiming to know. But do think it’s possible?
Sincerely,
Charles Q.”

This email is regarding Steve Irwin & South Park.

“Simple, the show was insensitive. I am a avid south park veiwer, and I love d steve because he brought much needed attention on saving wildlife. nobody would have cared if they never showed it. Its never funny what people do for money. Alot of people really cared for Steve. Can you stand still for one second and put yourself in his family and friends shoes. Life isnt all fun and webing hope life is better for uoy.
-Cheeta4002″

*BabyBoomerTrips.com!*

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“Enjoyed your pics [of Duane Chapman, aka 'Dog the bounty Hunter']. I was there. I was laughing at Beth. What a friggin lunatic. That woman was out of control. I was recording digital video if it. Posted it on youtube. I attached a couple of stills from the video for your amusement. I stopped in Dakine Bail Bonds today on my way home from a Dr appt. Wrote about it on a group I just started on a whim.
Aloha,
Mike”

Follow Up Email from Mike-

“Hi Spicy
Turning left off Vineyard St. onto Queen Emma I recalled DaKine Bail Bonds was somewhere nearby. After taking a few steps I looked up, and there it was on my left.
At first I was puzzled as the place was so small and run-down looking. There was a hole in the dirty besmudged shop front glass sporting the DaKine logo, could this be it??? It was difficult for me to believe that a Nationwide show could revolve around such a dive. Being one who doesn’t fear wading through the seamier side of life, I went in.
First thing I noticed was the humidity and stink of moldiness. I almost walked out thinking it was too much and possibly dangerous to my health, but curiosity overrode my instinct for self-preservation. Eventually I got accustomed to it, sort of like how we can tolerate our own flatulance.
Dog wasn’t there, but a cardboard cut-out of him was, in front of which stood 3 people. The older couple spoke with an accent that reminded me of Texas and were obvious tourists. The younger blonde haired fella turned out to be a Dog family member. The Texans left and I had a chance to rapport with the progeny. He was a young fella, multi-tasking behind a computer laden desk, answering phone calls, blogging his MySpace and answering my questions. I asked him about 2 mug shots posted on the wall and he said they were old cases posted for the tourists. The real “Wanted Wall” was behind the locked door that only Dog and whoever he lets in has access to.
The phone rang. “You need a $300,000.00 bond? Sure we can do that for you.”…pause…”It’ll cost you $30,000.” He hangs up. He was gleeful at the idea of DaKine making $30,000.00. I noticed he didn’t write down any information. The phone call was too brief to be legit and the Bond amount was the same that Dog had to come up with, $300,000.00. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he may have just been spoofed. He may have been 20 and acted like a kid that needed some guidance, (lots of trash talk, over-animated body language) but my impression was that his intention was good. His best bet would be to join the Military. At least there he’d have better role models and a chance to become a man. So I spent a little more time in the fat black leather chair betweenthe big screen tv and potted tree that had a huge water stained carpet under it (over watering? leak from outside?) and figured I’d seen enough. So I left. Here’s a few photos of the outside.
Mike”

Thanks Mike!

HAWAII via BabyBoomerTrips.com!

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“WEB SITE LAUNCHED TO TELL PARIS HILTON EXPLOITING WILD ANIMALS IS NOT HIP

Web Site TellParisNo.com Launched

Because her publicist won’t do it, some one needs to tell Paris Hilton to stop illegally collecting wildlife. Alleged singer and celebutante Paris Hilton, desperate for attention – any attention – has recently inflicted her lifestyle on a succession of exotic pets as a publicity ploy. The latest victim of Paris’s affections is a captive “pet” kinkajou cloyingly named “Baby Luv,” which has appeared in public draped across Paris as if it were the latest fashion trend.
A kinka-what? The kinkajou (Potos flavus), also known as the “Honey Bear,” is a nocturnal tree-climbing mammal related to the raccoon that lives in the rainforests of Central and South America. Although kinkajous may appear cute and cuddly, they are wild animals that belong in the rainforest eating tropical fruit, not ducking from flashbulbs on fashion runways or sipping lattes in the cafes and trendy clubs of Los Angeles.
Fortunately, the state of California recognizes the serious threats that the international wildlife trade poses, both to wild animals from other countries and to U.S. species when these animals are imported and then abandoned or released. Due to these threats, it is illegal to import or possess kinkajous or other wild animals in California without a valid permit.
Innocent kinkajous such as the prisoner “Baby Luv” are often stolen from their natural habitat and sold abroad through the international wildlife trade. But hey, what does the biological diversity of the rainforest or the welfare of Baby Luv matter compared to Paris looking cool and hip?
The Center for Biological Diversity (www.biologicaldiversity.org) sent a stern warning letter to Paris suggesting she cease her criminal violations of wildlife protection laws. The Center is also insisting that Paris turn over Baby Luv and any other illegal wildlife she possesses to an appropriate wildlife rescue organization, and urging her to speak out publicly to promote the conservation of wild animals and keeping wild animals in the habitats where they belong.

Baby Luv has apparently gained favor over Paris’ pet ferret,which is also illegal to own in California.  How many more bitingincidents before the self-centered celebrity abandons or discards the kinkajouto keep up with the latest animal trend?Baby Luv exacted a measure of revenge for the affront of havingto put up with Paris’s antics and shrieks, biting her skinny, tormentingarm last month and sending Paris to the hospital.  However, Paris’spunishment did not match her crime.

Paris continues to flaunt her criminal violations of several of California’s wildlife protections laws (see the California Fish and Game Code, sections 2118, 2185, 2189 and 2190). In a just world, Paris Hilton would be pursued, captured, and prosecuted for criminal violation of these wildlife protection laws, facing civil penalties of up to $10,000 and imprisonment in the county jail for up to six months.
Kinkajous are rare and threatened enough in Honduras that the country forbids exporting them without a permit, an effort to prevent the species from being needlessly exploited to satisfy the pet industry or the egos of so-called celebrities. Kinkajous in Honduras are supposed to be protected by the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species.
The international wildlife trade is a violent and exploitive $6 billion annual industry that threatens wild animals in almost every country of the world. In 2002, , more than 38,000 mammals, 365,000 birds, 2 million reptiles, 49 million amphibians and 216 million fish were imported into the United States alone. Cruel practices are often used to obtain and transport these wild animals, and many species are closer to extinction due to the high demand for their fur and body parts or use as “pets.” Since 1996, more than 2,000 species have been classified as threatened by the World Conservation Union, partly due to the negative impacts from the international wildlife trade.
Please join this effort to help keep wild animals in their natural habitats. Write Paris today to tell her that species like the kinkajou should not suffer needlessly from the horrors of the international wildlife trade.
Visit www.TellParisNo.com for more information.”

“I’m a massive fan of your blog, you speak my mind on soooo many subjects and find the same people utterly ridiculous, which I love!
I’d like to ask a favour, I’m a DJ and I’m trying to gain as many votes as possible for the DJ Magazine Top 100 DJs competition. Would you consider helping me out with that? Your vote would be great but the vote of your readers would obviously be massive. However, to prove I’m not rubbish why don’t you check out my Myspace pages first, then if you like what you hear maybe you could help?
Y’see when I DJ I remix different tracks live as I go along (I’m on my laptop) so I’ve been getting a lot of attention already. I then come home and recreate what I did live and make those tracks available for download on Myspace, so have a listen and let me know your thoughts maybe?
Anyway, below is the email I’ve been sending out, which has the Myspace pages with the links and everything. If you could give it a look I would very much appreciate it, though I’ll understand if you’re too busy. Thanks you for your time anyway,

Kris Di Angelis X

PS: Saw the Lohan at the Von Essen party in Berkshire the other day, she looked major up close with great make up, but I’m told she loves to smoke coke, which explains the completely vacant expression on her face as she stared out into the crowd.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

It has been decided by the powers that be (Meredith, those of you who know her know she’s not to be argued with), that we’re gonna stick it to the big guys and get me voted into the DJ Magazine Top 100 Djs list.
Although it would be lovely to receive such affirmation and recognition for the hard work, live sets, technology, money, countless remixes and years of musical hard graft I’ve put in to this, I’m actually more intrigued to see if a little bit of guerrilla marketing can go a long way. Power of the people and all that. This of course would benefit my career massively, but I’d like to do it just to see if we can shake it all up a bit. We’ve worked out we need 1000 votes to get in.
I’ve no idea what I’ll do if we manage this, probably some big free party, once I’ve recovered from the shock.

It will only take 2 mins so here’s how to do it:
Click on the link below which takes you to where you can vote. Voting requires you entering my name first, then 4 other names – I suggest they not be DJs for this to work (I used four friends) – provide your email address so they can confirm your vote (THEY DO NOT STORE EMAIL ADDRESS’ FOR ANY REASON AT ALL), then you’re done!

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Good News

** A Message from Dallas**

Dear friends,

I am so excited to tell you that I have had my surgery, and it was a huge
success! The nice doctors at Gulf Coast were able to cut my bone and
insert a metal plate (ouch!), and even though I have a cast on my leg, I
can move around and play with my friends! And it doesn’t even hurt as
much as before! I couldn’t be happier.

I know that so many of you have helped pay for my medical costs, and my
buddies at Lone Star Boxer Rescue and I are very, very grateful! They tell
me that we still need about $1,000 to pay for my surgery, so I hope I can
still count on the kindness (and generosity) of all of my new friends!

You have no idea what a difference you have made in my life. Thank you so
much!

Love, Dallas

Thanks again for all your help.
–
Jon Winters

Spicy,

Just an update on Dallas – she had her surgery and is doing great. She said to tell you “thanks for all your help”.

Thanks for all you did,

Bruce Clark

Compare Airfare at BabyBoomerTrips.com

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A.L.

Spicypants –

Compare Airfare at BabyBoomerTrips.com!

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“Spicy,

Jason Rohrblogger (Link fixed- Sorry J!) here. I see you put a link to me on your blog! Boo-YAH!. I have linked to you as well…
My buddy Eric Edwards is doing a one-man show called “Just Step” at The Sherry in North Hollywood. It’s about the fact that he was a popular heavy actor in Hollywood and then he lost 210 pounds and now he can’t find work. It’s funny and sad and it’s gotten great reviews.
Most of one-man shows I’ve seen, especially by comedians, are just their stand-up act rehashed into a 90-minute set with a beginning and middle, but no end. Eric’s show is very poignant and everyone I’ve ever taken to see it has loved it.
Last night I helped out by taping Eric’s one-man show so he can send a DVD to (a very important person). Andy Dick the star of “NewsRadio” and “The Andy Dick Show” just happened to stop by and see the taping. We all hung out afterwards with Sherry, the owner of the theater and Ken Dubner, the writer. I was hoping to observe some out-of-control Hollywood decadence but everybody just had Diet Coke and bottled water. ~:-(
I don’t know if these candid shots of me (with the beard) and Eric Edwards with Andy Dick are worthy of your Smack, but here they are…
-Jason”

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