The pleasure has been all yours, but it has come time for The Infamous Billy The Kidd to bid you farewell, as his time here is up… or at least that’s what the security guards waiting to escort me from the building are saying.

Spicy is back from her West Coast tour of exotic scenery and erotic massage parlors (don’t worry… she was well taken care of), and, as a result, The Kidd’s services are no longer needed. So it is time to say good-bye… no… please… don’t cry. That’s not necessary. Just because you won’t be able to read me and all of my awesomeness on a daily basis here does not mean I am not available to you through other means. Be sure to check out my own site InfamousKidd.com, where you can find out just about anything you’d like to know about me… sometimes more than you ever thought necessary. My blog, From The Infamous Mind Of The Kidd, is updated daily, Monday through Friday, so you get laugh your ass off until you piss yourself 5 out of 7 days a week. Also, don’t miss my reviews on movies and other stuff in my very own column, The Kidd Vs.

I have had a blast filling in here all week long, and I hope you’ve enjoyed my writings as much as I’ve enjoyed presenting them to you. I’d like to thank Spicy for the opportunity and hope she’s been happy with everything she left in my hands, and I’d like to thank all of you for putting up with me over the last week, without once calling the police. I look forward to many of you hitting up my site, and hopefully we can do this again sometime.

Until then…

Don’t just be famous… BE INFAMOUS!!!

Christina Aguilera has signed on to make her film debut, co-starring opposite Cher, for the movie BURLESQUE.

Xtina will play an ambitious small-town Iowa girl with a big voice who comes of age in a neo-burlesque club in Hollywood while Cher’s character is a former dancer who struggles to keep the club open and gives the young girl a chance to shine, all while saving her dying establishment in the meantime. It’ll be Cher’s first role since TEA WITH MUSSOLINI in 1999, but enough about that old bag…

Christina Aguilera in a movie… one can only hope it is some mix between MOULIN ROUGE and Aguilera’s “Dirrty” video. Oh, Christina… you naughty, naughty girl. One can also hope that one day someone just makes a movie about Christina Aguilera’s breasts. The Kidd would easily drop 10 bucks to sit and watch that display… a few times a week during one of those matinees where I have the theatre all to myself. Quick… someone get my agent on the phone… let’s make this happen.

As for this movie, I remember already seeing this movie back when it was called COYOTE UGLY and it took place in a bar and it wasn’t ruined by the sight of Cher… but that one got me off then, so I imagine this one can do the same now. Hmmm… where did I put that DVD? Carry on… there’s nothing to see here.

[Variety]

Chris Brown is a free man, after pleading guilty to felony assault charges as part of a plea deal. Brown will serve 5 years probation and finish 180 days of community service without ever serving a day in jail.

Los Angeles Criminal Court Judge Patricia Schnegg told Brown that he could apply to have his supervised probation transferred to Virginia, where he maintains his legal residence. He can also do his community service there, as long as it meets the court’s standards. As part of the agreement, he also must undergo domestic violence counseling.

I’m curious to see what kind of community service Chris Brown will be allowed to do, because The Kidd is pretty sure it’s not a good idea for him to do anything that involves women, children, the handicapped, animals, women animals, handicapped animals, animal children, or women children. You get the point. That leaves picking up garbage on the side of the highway… while dancing… oh, and singing “Run It!” Sounds like justice has been served.

Let this be a lesson to all of you out there – if your woman is out of line, a slap in the face is only worth a slap on the wrist… and a smash of the head into the car dashboard with some intermittent biting, well, let’s just say that’s about the same thing.

[Photo: David McNew/Getty Images]

[CNN]

The MuchMusic Video Awards went down in Toronto last night, and The Kidd would report on the winners, but I can’t lend any credibility to an awards ceremony that gives a trophy to Nickelback for anything besides “Band That Sucks The Most.”

However, Lady GaGa did take to the stage to perform, where she proceeded to shoot sparks from her boobs. At least now we can say she is talented at something, because not everyone has the ability to fire pyrotechnics from their nipples like she can. I would say this would be cooler than sharks with laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads, but then I remember that I actually have more practical use for the sharks than I do for Lady GaGa’s breasts.

Let this also be a lesson to those of you out there who may happen to use the restroom after Lady GaGa – please, for your safety, wipe the toilet seat down. After all, if it can spread to her boobage, it can spread to you.

Supermodel Heidi Klum is getting her very own Barbie doll.  This September, Mattel will be releasing a series of Blonde Ambition Barbies, which will include one to look exactly like Klum if she was only about 12 inches tall and made of plastic. The Blonde Ambition Collection is a series that celebrates iconic blondes in fashion and entertainment.

At least this should make things a little bit easier to clean up than trying to wash off those magazine pages.

Nevermind. I forgot. It isn’t worth going back to the Dream House, in the pink Corvette, to try to get into Heidi Klum Barbie’s pants, when there’s nothing in those pants I can actually get into. Son of a…!!!

No, I don’t play with dolls in that way. That would be gross. Now, action figures on the other hand… I hope you’re ready for a wonderful evening, Optimus Prime.

We’d like to thank our special correspondent Captain Obvious for this breaking news over the weekend. Just when all five of you thought Latin superstar Ricky Martin might be all about the ladies, he went right ahead and opened up his options.

From Metro:

The Puerto Rican superstar concedes he is now one for the fellas in a new interview with Hispanic magazine TV Aqui. Pressed on his sexuality once again, daring Ricky said while he can still have fun the ladies he is now venturing into the men’s market to find his soul mate also. The 37-year-old revealed “his heart could belong to a woman or a man.”

Wow, Ricky Martin could quite possibly be gay? Never saw that coming. The Kidd is actually more surprised by the news that his heart could belong to a woman. I’m not sure how that’d work out, ya know, with the whole lack of penis thing going on there.

But then again, no one should be taken aback by this new shocking revelation… especially not when he revealed it by speaking into the reporter’s wang as if it were a microphone. Okay, maybe that’s not true… but would it really be that far-fetched if it was?

[Metro]

With Spicy now out of the picture and on vacation, please allow The Infamous Billy The Kidd to properly introduce himself. Yo, this is The Infamous Billy The Kidd. Now that the formalities are out of the way, it’s time to get down to real business.

Starting Monday, The Kidd will be taking over Celebrity Smack! for a week, as Spicy gets some rest and relaxation and recharges the batteries and all that other stuff. I’ll be taking it another level that might shock you… it might awe you… it might even cause you to wet your pants (they don’t call me Infamous for nothing). So buckle up your seat belts, strap on your helmet, take care of whatever safety precautions you deem necessary, because next week is going to be one wild ride.

Before we get started, I’d just like to lay down some ground rules though, so you know what to expect from me.

First, I was going to reassure you that there would be no mention of Jon, of Kate, or any of their eight, but unfortunately they have some big announcement planned (**cough**divorce**cough**), so The Kidd will have to suck it up for at least one day of pure unadulterated ridicule for whatever it is they have to say. But, there are a few other policies and procedures we will be following:

1. There will be no mention of Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt, unless Heidi is molested by a pack of horny, rabid bunny rabbits or Spencer dies.
2. You are guaranteed at least one story about Megan Fox. Even if she yawns, that’s news-worthy, and such a monumental event will be given the proper coverage.
3. You will probably learn more about my wang than you ever could have imagined you would, considering we did just meet. However, I’m comfortable with it, so you might as well get used to it, too.
4. This will be edgy. It will be in-your-face. There are no rules. There is no filter, and, last but not least, there will be no mercy (okay, I lied… I’m not supposed to drop the F-word, but I guess that’s more of a guideline than a rule, so nevermind).

So, sit back and enjoy yourselves, because, for the next week, Celebrity Smack! is about to get INFAMOUS.

Jessica Biel gives a smile and a wave as she arrives for an appearance on the ‘Late Show with David Letterman’

A little different from the scowls she gives while being photographed by the paparazzi. I guess I don’t blame her, I know I would be a bitch if cameramen were following me everywhere. But then again, if I were making the millions she is making I would learn to deal with it!

[Photos: ©BAUER-GRIFFIN.COM]

Spicy is heading out of town a little early to enjoy an extra long weekend in the sun with friends!

If you aren’t following me on Twitter you SHOULD be! I’ll be sending TwitPics throughout my weekend.

See you late Monday!

xoxo