The Bachelor with the greasy, stubbly Ben Flajnik, Episode 6 recap
Week 6 of The Courtney Show, err, I mean The Bachelor, and Ben and the ladies head to romantic Panama City, Panama.
The Bachelor ladies are anxious to spend more time with that superhunk of a man, who is allergic to all hair clipping/cutting/removing devices, and are more eager than ever to claw, or tongue, their way to the top.
Date Card #1 arrives and it’s Kacie B. who gets the one-on-one date. The card reads,“Will Our Love Survive? Pack 3 things.” Kacie bounces off to get ready for her date.
Courtney theorizes that Ben may be trying to “weed out” the ones he’s not interested in and that’s why he chose Kacie for the date – so he can dump her. She obviously isn’t aware of the strong connection Kacie and Ben have, surprisingly it escapes that kewpie doll sized head of hers.
Kacie and Ben head out on a black, beefed-up helicopter. They fly over Panama City and the canal with their destination being a deserted island. Sand, palm trees and Ben. As the helicopter flies away, leaving them to their own accord Kacie says, ”All of a sudden I’m worried.”
Ben asks Kacie what she packed for the excursion and she pulls out a stuffed green money, a corkscrew and a bag of candy. Ben just happened to bring a machete, fishing net and some matches. Obviously someone did his packing for him. A machete and some shaving cream would have been more entertaining.
Ben hacks at coconuts wildly with his shiny new machete, slapping at the tree like he’s giving it high-fives. He finally gets some fruit and tries to crack it open. He hacks at it like a primitive and by the time he gets it open all the juices have leaked out. Ben’s wily hair resembles the coconut fur, by the way. I’m sorry, I just cant help myself. I am obsessed with his mop. Obsessed!
Perseverance pays off and Ben chops down four more coconuts. He and Kacie drink the juice of a cleanly split coconut and it’s obvious someone cracked these coconuts for Ben. Nice job, camera guy.
Back at homebase, Date Card #2 (Group Date) arrives. It reads, “Let’s Get Lost!”
Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, and Jamie all get the group date. This leaves Rachel and Blakely as the two to go on the 2-on-1 date. Blakely is thrilled at the idea of only sharing Ben with one other woman, but Rachel is NOT happy about having to face-off against Blakely for the rose.
Back at dinner, Kacie and Ben finally quit the small talk and start to get on with the gushy crap. Kacie, afraid to open up, is about to purge her baggage (or something) in his lap. She must, she knows she needs to tell him something because a “rose is on the line.”
“I used to have an eating disorder,” she tells him. Why she chose this path is beyond me, but I guess it’s better than laying the “my whole family died in a fire” line that he’s used to. Anyway, Ben ends up giving her the rose and they kiss over dinner. Two words: stubble rash.
In the next clip, Kacie and Ben are kissing in the dark streets with unsuspecting traffic driving by. The Bachelor pipes-in kissing sound effects. Suck, slurp, smack… Really.
Ben picks up the six ladies for the group date in a long slender boat that resembles a pickle. A 34-foot long pickle. Not that he’s making up for anything. They cruise the Chagres River and Courtney squeals, “I’m so wet!” The Bachelor is always sneaking in those little gems.
During their outing, Ben spots a group of native children in loin cloths playing soccer so he and the ladies decide to say hello. They pull the pickle up to the shore. The children run away, warning their tribe of the crazy that just washed up onshore.
Then, like the munchkins on the yellow brick road, an entire tribe come out of their hiding places and introduce themselves. You can hear Courtney greeting them, “Hola, amigos!” (Did you catch it?)
The native women take the ladies into huts and the men take Ben away. The locals tell the women (in a language they can’t understand) that they must change into native dress. Meaning, a beaded bikini top with not much coverage. One of the natives lifts her beads (showing off her National Geographics, if you know what I mean) and shows the women how it is done. The women wear the skimpy beaded tops over their bikinis. Courtney opts to go au naturel. ”I don’t do anything half ass,” she purrs. When Ben comes out he is dressed in a blue loin cloth and Courtney is eager to tell him she is braless. Ben says to the cameras, “I appreciated it – in more than one way.”
Later in the evening the group relaxes poolside with cocktails and Lindzi and Ben chat near the pool. He tells her she is doing a good job of opening up (he said that to EVERYONE in this episode) and piped-in guitar music plays a gentle tune as they kiss and she runs her fingers through his greasy, unkempt hair. I hope she brought some Palm Olive to cut through the oil slick left on her hands. Eww.
Ben heads off to whisk crazy-eyed Courtney away as she sits chatting with a few of the other women. “I’m being stolen!” she boasts. “I’m being stolen, take me away!” The other women can hardly contain their disgust and Emily is the first to blurt out, “I hope she doesn’t breakout that see-through beaded top tonight.” Jamie agrees, “Yeh, she knows how to get a man’s attention.”
The date card for Blakley and Rachel comes and Kacie B. reads it. “Save the last dance for me, Ben.” But wait, there are two cards. “Two girls, one rose,” the second card begins, “…one stays, one goes.” Whew, because I was thinking Two Girls and One Cup. There are so many ways we could go with this, but I’ll spare you.
“I want to let you know that I appreciate the fact that you notice me,” Ben confesses to Courtney. He’s just loaded with swag, isn’t he? In real life he would have no chance with Courtney, but she’s game, and she’s even willing to give him her room number. #1611. She tells him they can just “lay there for 15 minutes, or 30 minutes, without saying anything.” Meaning: suck, slurp, smack.
Jamie finds out from one of the other ladies that Ben is a good kisser so she feels she needs to step up her game. She pulls him aside to talk but crazy Courtney sees them and concocts a plan. She strips down to her bikini and parades around in the background, frolicing in the pool, doing yoga poses on the beach chairs (that’s a nice way of putting it) and distracting him anyway she possibly can to keep him from listening to Jamie’s last ditch effort to stay on The Bachelor. Jamie tried to get up the courage to kiss Ben but Courtney’s presence intimidates her and she lames out.
Emily, who has already gone running to Ben two different times about Courtney (and has been warned two different time by Ben to DROP IT) takes his advice and instead yanks his chain about having another man in her life. That man being, “Chief,” who is presumably manly Ben, he who maneuveurs motorized pickle boats. These two actually seem to connect emotionally this time and they seal the deal with a kiss. Ben’s tongue has really been getting some action these past couple weeks. Damn The Bachelor cameras for angling it just so…so that we can only see a fraction of the tongue action. Damn you! I’m thinking that tongue could be the next Bachelor, or maybe it should just have it’s own show. I’m sure it wants to emancipate itself from Ben once his 15-minutes are up.
Emily decides to man up and apologize to Courtney for judging her so harshly, hoping to put their differences aside. Courtney uses that as leverage. She says, “I don’t take being disrespected lightly,” and acts like the self-righteous crunt that she is.
Bam! Ben is back and he grabs the rose – and Lindzi. Courtney’s mouth puckers. Or I think it did anyway, what do you call that?
Courtney waits in 1611 for Ben, hoping he will show up. The cameras show her sitting, looking at her watch, and he never shows up.
Meanwhile it’s time for Rachel, Blakely and Salsa dancing! Aye, aye, aye! The ladies dress up in ill-fitting, Barbie-like dresses with lots of foof and feathers. They look like a couple of crazy old birds. Literally.
Rachel is determined to not be the third wheel on this date but that is indeed what she becomes. Blakely brags, “I’m definitely a better dancer than Rachel,” and she speaks the truth. Rachel would do much better if she were Safety Dancing or something. She’s awkward, has no rhythm (or confidence for that matter), and her hips jerk from right to left without any grace or sensuality.
Blakely and Ben have a much more seductive dance but Blakely is oddly intense. She hypnotically stares into Ben’s eyes and she slyly works some stripper moves into her salsa dancing. Rachel tries to break it up and Blakely has no part of it. Rachel fumes, “She wrapped her legs around him in front of me and that’s distasteful.” Rachel is simply mad because without the meth she finds it difficult to make a first move.
“This is the hardest thing I’ve had to do yet,” Ben warns the ladies as he prepares to ship one of them back to the United States in a heaping mess of mascara and broken reality dreams – but not before f***ing with ther heads a little more.
Ben and Rachel head off to a dark corner and Rachel confesses that Blakely’s forwardness with Ben is intimidating and that she thinks it’s too much too soon. She assures Ben that, with time, their relationship will have those aspects of sexuality that they now lack. At least I think that’s the point she was trying to convey. Then on cue, they make out.
“For the first time I really feel something, I really feel it.” says Blakley to Ben during their private time together. “Everywhere I’ve gone I’ve pictured it just like, me and you, I don’t want to lose you before you even get to know me. So there is something I’d like to share with you, very, very personal.” She hands him a handmade scrapbook that has magazine clippings pasted on its pages. I didn’t jot down what the exact phrases were that she cut out of the magazines, but it was stuff like, “Flying Free”, “Two Hearts as One”, and “Dreams Coming True”, corny things like that. Way to share something really personal Blakely. Do I need to remind you? You need a SOB STORY.
Ben’s facial hair, an obvious repellant to Blakely’s hypnotic, trance-inducing eyeballs, dumps her and Blakely is stunned. Her masculine mandible drops to the floor.
“Blakely slow down for a second!” Ben chases her as she storms out. Ben begs for a chance to explain but she’s not hearing it. She won’t look him in the eye, is stoic, and then she turns on the tears. Ben, having no clue how to respond, simply says what he has been saying to all the girls. “I really do want you to know how much I do appreciate you opening up to me like that.”
Drama appears in the form of Chris Harrison and he pulls Casey away for a private conversation. “It was brought to my attention that you are in love with someone else,” he confronts her. “We talked to Michael and he gave us his perception of your relationship. He says you are still in a relationship. He said you were practically living together before you left.” Casey, who I suddenly realize has the mental capacity of a 13-year-old girl, responds, “That’s not true!” She denies everything.”Are you still in love with Michael?” probes Chris. “I dont want to be…” she says.
“I came into this wanting to get over a guy who wouldn’t marry me. I don’t think I’m completely over him. In my opinion I don’t think he’s holding me that much back… but…
“I want to be with someone like you who does want to get married! Like, like, you know what I mean? Like, I hope you aren’t mad. Like, you know, like … like, um … like…”
Ben’s had enough and he tells her, “I think that you should go home.” Words that would crush any girl, in nearly any situation. Like, yeah.
Chris walks Casey out and she falls into his arms, sobbing and whining in a 4-year-old’s voice. Chris comforts her. “I know you want to find love,” he says, which only causes Casey’s infant whimper (WTF!?) to intensify. Clearly Casey is someone who is NOT READY to get married. Thankfully she goes home.
It’s time for the pre-rose ceremony scramble and time for the women to lay it on thick. Nicki gets some first, then Jamie finally gets some. It seems the shy one who was afraid to kiss Ben has come out of her shell with the help of a couple bottles of wine. Suddenly she is straddling him, literally, and is touching him, kissing him…it’s like what you see during last call in the bars on a Friday night.
“I like your hair,” she coos and she plays with Ben’s fraggle hair. Yeah, I think she’s wasted.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…..Final Rose Ceremony and it’s down to Emily and Jamie. Emily, who finally showed us her adorable side, gets the rose, and Jamie, who just did everything short of fellatio, gets to do the walk of shame. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. We don’t see anything from this girl all season then suddenly it’s bucking Bronco time on Ben’s lap. Good riddance.
See you next week for yet another, Spicy, catty, anti-Bachelor recap. As long as Courtney’s in it, I’m in it.
